Wednesday, May 22, 2013

9,861 Days & 3 Weeks Later

I feel like I should start this post out with a giant thank you. Thank you to each of you who took time to one, read Abram's birth story (it was long-you should get an award) and two, liked or commented or messaged me or texted me encouragement regarding it. I told a friend the other day that his story was hard to write and harder to share. It's why I sat on it for a while. I wanted it to be a story of great faith and certainty and of our learned trust in Christ, but while I wished that's what it could be that's just not what it was. The honest truth is what it was filled with- doubt and fear and control until finally, at the very last moment it turned into something else. It's hard to share the less lovely things about ourselves, the weaknesses and the struggles. Quite honestly it's a bit embarrassing to lay out your weaknesses (or at least it is for this perfectionist). I felt like a sixth grade kid standing up in front of a bunch of high schoolers when I posted it because of that and because it's such an important story for us personally since it revolves around our child and my continued learning of grace. I felt some definite nerves when I clicked "publish" so I am genuinely grateful for the outpouring of encouragement I received, particularly while I hang out in the potentially crazed days that the postpartum period can offer. Loving words last. Thank you.

The hazy days of postpartum are where I'm dwelling at the moment. Where the days of the week run together for me and the hours dictated by "am" and "pm" don't make much difference regarding my wakefulness. In fact, I'm way more likely to be sleeping at 2 pm than I am at 2 am ;) They are filled with busy times as we all transition into the family of four.

I told myself for weeks before Abram's birth that I would be kind to myself in these early days. I would give myself time to do what needed to be done, to figure out how parenting two kids works, to figure out how mothering two of them while Tommy is at work looks. I promised to go easy on myself. And really, I have. I told myself that it's ok if Abi Kate watches TV like she did the first 20 weeks I was pregnant with him. It didn't hurt her then and it won't hurt her now. I told myself it was ok if the house isn't beautifully picked up or if I go to bed wearing the same shirt I wore all day and slept in the night before. The world won't stop spinning if I don't have it 100% together these first few weeks, when the majority of my day is spent nursing a baby. And it's been good. I've tried to do one small activity for a few minutes each day with Abi Kate- whether it's playing in her kitchen or dot painting or doing chalk with her. We've kept the living room and our bedroom picked up and that's enough for now. Dusting and glass cleaning, mopping and all that entails will come later (I swear that's why God created the nesting urge. You clean your house so thoroughly because He knew you wouldn't have time in the 4 weeks after delivery!) It's made this transitional time easier. Just don't go looking at our back bathroom ;) I don't know how to do it all yet with two kids, how to make our home run easily and run errands and accomplish everything. But I'm ok with that, because one thing I do know-- I know how to love a baby. I know how to nurture him and treasure him. I know how to love both our babes in my arms without reserve-- that I can do really well.

I was prepared for a devastating blow when we added a second child, and right after I post this things will probably change dramatically, but it really hasn't been that difficult. It's a lot busier. Most mornings my coffee sits alone for about 2 hours before I get around to taking a sip. I've missed a lot of meals because I've just genuinely forgotten to eat (and my son has a radar that he needs to nurse each time I sit down to eat. It really is funny...and being able to say 'my son' pretty much makes up for anything he needs at any time). And there are moments where it feels overwhelming-- but not all day and not every moment. It's actually been more precious than difficult-- when Abi Kate runs into our room first thing in the morning and says, "Where's Abram?" The way she walks up to him and grabs his hand and whispers, "I love you" without any prompting. The blissful event that is naptime, when I get to snuggle up with our sweet baby boy for an hour or two. But of course, I haven't left the house alone with two yet either... ;)
I turned 27 today, so I've spent the day thinking about this past year and where I'm at in life. This day last year served as the beginning of a really hard few months, and really the whole year unwound in ways I never anticipated and served as a year of growth. This year has taught me a lot about what we need and God's very present hand in that.

I think about that in light of Abram's life...It's funny how we thought we needed another girl. Thought maybe we'd let our Abi Kate down because we hadn't given her a sister. Thought maybe we wouldn't efficiently accommodate a boy...I'm glad God knows what we actually need....Because my soul, we needed this boy. Just as he is.
I'm closer to 30 than 20, even though I still feel mostly the same as I did 7 years ago. But my life is a world of different. This year on my birthday, we went out to breakfast, but not on a date with just us two as we have in the past. We each had a baby in our arms this time. I wore my pre-pregnancy jeans today for the first time, but even though they buttoned and zipped and today I weigh what I did before pregnancy, there's no going back to the body that existed at 26. I'll be up late all night tonight, but not because I'm out seeing a 10:00 movie or having a late coffee date. My night will be filled with nursing a sweet little boy, reading one more bedtime book to the "I'm not sleepy!" girl, tucking her back to bed at least two times because she's certain it's "not time for night night". I'll wash one more load of laundry and fold diapers. And I might have a coffee date with my hubs, but it will be on the couch with good old Folgers. We'll take turns switching off walking the floors with a wide-eyed baby boy around 1:00 am, pushing pause and play on our nighttime show more times than we could count. It will be low key and tomorrow my morning wake-up call will start all over again....
And while I know that sounds so unexciting from the outside, dull or probably even pitied by others, I can't help but look at my night and the ones who are keeping me busy and think --my God, these 27 years have been good to me....


  1. I keep trying to comment on your blog and it isn't showing up for some reason :( First, I tried to comment on Abram's birth story the other day about how I literally just bawled my eyes out with every paragraph. This post...pretty much the same. I also want to say Happiest of Birthdays to you, and what a wonderful present you've been given! You have a gorgeous family. I am so glad you are taking some time to figure things out and going easy on yourself. House work and errands don't need you as much as those beautiful babies and no one is going to care what kind of clothes you are wearing or what your house looks like :) Please know I am here if you need anything.

    1. Thanks so much, Amy! So appreciate that! Thank goodness for friends who bring spaghetti (seriously- it's why I ate lunch for 2 days!) Let's get together again soon.