Monday, January 30, 2012

Fluffity Fluff


Yes, I have been blogging, blogging, blogging this past week… more than I ever have (or probably ever will again!) It’s been a good outlet for me as it seems I was just made to be one big basketcase of emotions as I got closer to Friday. My mind needed to write but my heart needed something light-hearted, so I picked this topic… I had good intentions of posting this last week but life happened…

You know what I’ve really enjoyed about Abi Kate’s babyhood? Changing diapers! I’m totally serious. Abi Kate is cloth diapered, which I know grosses about half of the American population out upon first mention; but I’m completely addicted to it. Like if I have extra money, guess what I want to spend it on?! Diapers! I know, I’m revealing how strange I am right now…

I was cloth diapered as a baby, so I always assumed I would do cloth, too. Except my mom and all the other women from the 80’s and down-- they are the REAL cloth diaperers, when it wasn't convenient or easy or cute. I’m like the fake version. They used prefolds and pins and rubber pants. No, thank you. I have attempted a prefold with a pin before. When I picked up the baby, the diaper fell off. Thank goodness there are gobs and gobs of user-friendly choices these days!

I chose cloth for a few different reasons… First, there are very few chemicals in cloth diapers. If you haven’t already, you can read about my sluggish transformation and stance on chemicals here. They’re healthier, more breathable, and there’s less diaper rash. Win, win, win. Second, it’s cheaper than spending money on disposables that go into the trash. Honestly, I would’ve cloth diapered if it was more expensive, but it just happens to be a bonus that it isn’t. Third, it’s like an accessory. I can literally match her bows with her diapers. Enough said. J Fourth, I’m definitely no environmentalist. However, the thought of all that bacteria and chemicals inside of disposables being placed into the ground where they sit, get into the soil, it rains and creates run-off which reaches the ground where my food is grown-- that whole idea just grossed me out in ways I can’t explain. I didn’t want to be a contributing factor to that. Last, I don’t wear paper underwear. That doesn’t sound comfortable. Cloth diapers are just softer and made sense to me.
See- squishy and cute 
Abi Kate was 5 or 6 weeks old when we started cloth with her. We waited a few weeks for a couple reasons…. 1. I ordered her diapers from a small company that is sadly no longer in existence. Even though I ordered the week or two before she was born, they didn’t arrive until she was 5 or 6 weeks old. 2. If you’ve ever breastfed, you know what the first few weeks look like. It’s literally a diaper change every time they eat, which is about every 2 hours. That’s a lot of diapers every day and therefore, a lot of laundry. I was afraid I would stress myself out by having to do laundry in those early weeks.

These are the top complaints I hear about cloth diapers and my thoughts:
“Gross! Poop in a cloth diaper!” -- Ok, this one usually comes from people who aren’t parents or who haven’t changed many diapers. Honestly, it’s really not nastier to deal with poop in a cloth diaper. For one, it smells less because there’s no chemicals in cloth like there are in disposables. No poop interacting with strange chemical concoctions to make a bad smell worse… Second, with a cloth diaper, poop goes in the toilet and is flushed away (which is where it belongs in my opinion)-- It doesn’t sit around inside your house or your baby’s room in a pail for a week or until the trash goes out stinking the room up…. Also, if your baby has ever had a diaper explosion that’s gotten on their clothes, then you’ve done far more work at cleaning cloth than you’ll have to do when cleaning poop out of a cloth diaper. If it was that nasty, I wouldn’t do it. Trust me. Back when I was a baby, they soaked dirty diapers in a wet pail. I’m too much of a germaphobe to get ok with that one. Insert the diaper sprayer for the faint of heart, like myself. You don’t touch anything, spray the poop away, and it is gone and out of your house.

“They’re expensive” -- Depends which kind you pick. Either way, top line or not, you’re likely going to save gobs of money.  Use your own cloth wipes and you’ll save even more (I know-- this grossed me out, too until I realized she gets MUCH cleaner with these than with a disposable wipe). The average American spends $1,000 dollars per year on disposable diapers. Most kids are in diapers until 2, some longer (especially at night). I have a stash that is much larger than I need (because I’m addicted- I told you!), and it cost me about half of one year’s worth of diapers. And mine can be reused with subsequent children. See, they’re looking better and better aren’t they?! ;) Of course, I tend to prefer the ones that are more expensive. Story of my life. I wish I could love those 5 dollar pocket diapers, but I just can’t. I like American-made and that means a higher price tag. Even with my preferences and stash size, I still have spent around 60-75% less than the average person spends on disposables per child.

“It’s so much laundry”-- Yes, it is more laundry. But not so much more. Some people pay to have a diaper service clean their diapers. I prefer to do my own. The diapers stay in my care and are used with the type of cleaner that I want. (Control issues, anyone?!)  And I save more money. I have enough diapers now to last me about 4 days maybe 5 without doing laundry. Unfortunately, my diaper pail only holds about 2-3 days worth of diapers. ;) Honestly, I think it’s gross to leave them sitting for longer than that even if I could, and it’s not good for the diapers as it can cause build up. So on average, I do about 2 more loads of laundry than I used to. And guess what else- -I LOVE doing diaper laundry. When all those diapers are hanging up to dry over my washer, they look so lovely. I’d rather wash diapers than towels any day.

I think the cloth diapering world is a bit overwhelming to people when they first get started for a few reasons. There are so many types of diapers and so many brands that people don’t know where to start. I think I’ve tried about 5 different types of diapers and a variety of brands within each of these types. Another reason people get overhwlemed is because such a big deal is made about how to properly care for them (aka the laundry). After a year of cloth, here’s my take--

I’ve tried a variety of systems. 
  • All-in-Ones (literally just like a disposable diaper except made of cloth, put it on and you’re done) 
  • Pockets (looks like an all-in-one, it just has a pocket where you stuff in an insert so you can increase/decrease the absorbency of these), 
  • Prefolds with a cover (prefolds look like burp cloths with a waterproof cover over them), 
  • Fitteds with a cover (a fitted diaper goes on like a regular disposable diaper, but it isn’t waterproof, so it has to have some type of cover to keep in wetness), 
  • Hybrids (These are basically a cover that has multiple insert options- some inserts are disposable, some are reusable) 
  • All-in-Two (basically any diaper system that has two parts, but goes on as one piece once stuffed). 
And in each of these, there’s a variety of sizing, variety of materials, snaps vs. aplix, etc. It made my head spin in the beginning. What I’ve found is that different types of diapers work best for what my needs are. These are my favorites and what makes up my stash:

Pockets- Overall, these are a favorite. We use pockets for quick diaper changes, daytime, whenever we go out anywhere because they’re very convenient, and sometimes overnight. I prefer aplix because I feel like it gets a better fit. I know tons of people of LOVE snaps on their diapers. I’m just not a fan. Aplix is easy-- everybody can do it, it’s just like a disposable. I also prefer more natural fibers like bamboo or hemp(and not because they’re “natural”.) Their absorbency is almost always bullet proof for us as Abi Kate is a super heavy wetter, and they are more trim than microfiber inserts.

Fitteds/Cover- These are another favorite.I use fitteds while we’re at home during the day (not for going out anywhere) and overnight. They have great absorbency for nighttime and rarely do we have leaks in the morning. I don’t have to stuff them heavily like I do pockets for nighttime sleeping. Fitteds are where I splurge the most. ;) I use a variety of covers-- most are aplix PUL covers which makes them waterproof. At night, I prefer a fitted with a fleece soaker. They’re more breathable. And bonus, my friend Rachel makes them!

Prefolds/Cover- I have a few prefolds because I’d feel like a fake cloth diaperer if I didn’t. I can fold a prefold ok. Now they make Snappis or Boingos-- goodbye scary diaper pins. But I just never could love these. I use the same aplix PUL covers over these as I do my fitteds. Some of the covers I have allow it to become a hybrid or all-in-two. Basically, I lay the prefold down flat in the cover, no folding or pinning. The cover has material that holds the prefold down, and then I just put it on all as one system. These are kind of my backup. I have friends that used only prefolds and can fold a diaper in their sleep. Impressive and much more economical-- I’m just not skilled enough with my wiggly baby!

All-in-Ones-- I started off with these, only 12 of them. Loved them, and then found other diapers that I loved more.

I prefer One-size diapers. Yes, that’s right--the same diapers that fit Abi Kate at 5 weeks old fit her now at 1 year old and will continue to grow with her. This is part of the reason why cloth diapering is so economical in my opinion. Another benefit-- when I’m done with a particular diaper, don’t like it, etc. I can sell it and recoup some of my cost. Can’t do that with a used disposable! In fact, at one point, my all in ones started leaking, and I was itching to try new diapers. So I sold off about half of them and used the money I made to buy new diapers.

The whole laundry thing that scares lots of people has become very simplified in my opinion. Most websites and companies tell you not to use detergent with this, that, or the other, use only so much, etc. Here’s what I’ve found- laundry is laundry. You’re washing cloth. If they stink when you take them out of the wash, they aren’t clean. Use more detergent, just like with regular clothing. I’m really picky about the detergent I use anyway, so I prefer not to use detergent that has enzymes, optical brighteners, and scents anyway. Some people won’t do diapers without a detergent containing enzymes. It’s just personal preference. A big deal is also made about how you wash them too- the number of rinses, wash cycles, air dry/dryer etc. I’ve found it depends on your diapers, how hard your water is, and the type of detergent you use. I’ve tried several different wash routines and I know what works for me best now. It’s really just trial and error. The long and short-- it’s just laundry. Don’t stress over it. And when you want to get stains out- put them in the sun. It naturally kills stains, germs, and stink.

This is the secret: find a friend who has clothed before you. My friend Rachel started cloth diapering her daughter a few months before I had Abi Kate, so I was able to ask her, “Do you think I really need this? How many diapers do you think I truly need? How do you wash covers….” and on and on. You’ll find a thousand different reviews online, but I think it’s easiest just to trust the opinion of someone you know.

We’re not purists. Abi Kate wears a disposable when she is at church or with someone who isn’t comfortable changing cloth. And we used them every night for a while before we could figure out a nighttime solution for her. However, I just bought a pack of disposable diapers for the first time in 3 months yesterday. It took 3 months to go through a 36 pack.  That’s gotta make your heart smile ;)

 My sweet, chubby 3 month old. P.S.- this diaper still fits. And the photo is courtesy of Jen Turner Photography.

 Baby Legs and cloth diapers are a perfect match!
 Pink Pocket diaper


 Matching!! Pampers have no appeal after this!!
 Look at that fluffy heiney... Love it!

Fleece soaker right before bed. I promise my baby DOES wear pants regularly! ;)

Friday, January 27, 2012

One Year Ago Today...

I read this letter to Abi Kate this morning about an hour before her "real" birthday. She laid on me and listened, then babbled and jumped and called for the dogs to come over to her-- everything I'd expect her to do. :) 

To my sweet baby girl,
                You are one today. A full 365 days old. It’s hard to believe that you have arrived at this point already. I remember bringing you home and snuggling you tight and thinking about you being a one year old little girl-- it seemed so preposterous, so distant. But here you are, older and intelligent and beautiful . So many days I’ve sat back and watched you growing. I watched you when you were small beginning to fill up the swing’s seat a little more, watched your surprised face when you rolled over for the first time, watched you figure out that you could propel yourself across the floor to reach a toy. Now, I sit and watch you look at books, turning the pages and talking out loud as if you’re telling your own story. Time with you has been like water running through my fingers. I’ve tried to hold it all in my hands, keeping it with me; but just like water does, time found the cracks and crevices and has slipped on through.
                Your arrival and your life has changed my heart in ways that I struggle to express. My words won’t do justice to the beauty that you’ve brought about, but I will try anyway…..

I remember the 2 months before you began growing within me, when each pregnancy test told me no. I cried out of fear and out of selfishness. I’ve always loved control. I hope you aren’t that way. This was the beginning, when Christ started calling my heart to surrender, to surrender to His will, His timing, and His control.

I remember the extreme excitement I felt mixed with fear when I found out I was carrying you. So many of my friends have had tragedies in their pregnancies, and I feared this with you. I set goals for myself-- I could stop worrying once I reached the first 7 week ultrasound and saw your heartbeat. When I saw your little heart flickering, the joy spilled over into tears. But that wasn’t enough. A new set of worries came. So, I told myself I could stop worrying after I heard your heartbeat.  That sound. I will never forget it. Waiting in anticipation, praying that they’d find you, that you would be lively within me…. You were. But that wasn’t enough and a new set of worries appeared again. So I told myself that after the first trimester was over, I could stop worrying, stop analyzing every pain that made me think I might be losing you.  And yet, that wasn’t enough either. So, my 18 week ultrasound became my next goal. I laid in bed one night while your Daddy prayed over me and you. I told him I was afraid, afraid I would love you so much and you would go once I did. He told me to love you without restraint anyway, so I did. My heart was always meant to love you. I know that. Even when I tried to hold back because I was scared I would never be ok again if I lost you…. Even then, I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with you. Once again, God called me to surrender. To surrender my worries and my need for control, to surrender the one thing I held so dear and to trust Him and His plans. That one thing was you.

I remember when I let go and trusted your Creator. It was so liberating and a little scary, stepping out in faith alone, faith that He would see you through until completion.

I remember the weeks of carrying you, even the difficult ones, with fondness. I loved being pregnant. I loved waking up and watching my stomach stretch and grow. I loved that I needed bigger clothing-- it was proof there was life within me. I’d always wondered what I’d look like pregnant, what it would feel like to have a baby squirming inside. It seemed so surreal that it was happening to me. I treasured those moments. Carrying you was the fulfillment of so many dreams.

I remember the weeks of pregnancy, reading and preparing for your birth. So many women don’t make choices in their births, and it’s not because they don’t care. They just simply don’t know. But I knew, and when you know better you do better. So, we planned a natural birth for you-- no interventions, no medicine, no IVs, no beds, no monitors, and no hospital except for delivery.  

I remember the anticipation and fear I felt, wondering if I’d be able to make it without pain medication. Fearing that other people would be right, that what I’d planned for you wouldn’t come  about because I’d be too weak. They’d forgotten about the strength found in the Savior, and so had I. But He reminded me a few weeks later.

I remember when the contractions began at 35 weeks and thinking that you’d be coming early. I remember my appointment with my midwife that week where she thought the same thing-- my body was preparing and showing signs, your head was engaged, and yet you waited. You are living proof that you like to do things right on time, my love.   

I remember one night at 37 weeks pregnant when contractions started and kept coming for two hours. I remember waiting for that magical trifecta-- longer, stronger, and closer together. I remember they began to fall into that pattern. Then just as quickly as they’d arrived, they stopped.  The waiting grew harder.

I remember two days before going into labor, longing to meet you. It wasn’t a desire to not be pregnant anymore. Even when I was humongous, and I felt pretty sure you were going to fall out of me at any moment because you were so low, I still loved pregnancy. But I just couldn’t wait to see your face, to hold you, for all of the work my body had been doing in previous weeks to come to fruition.

I remember the day proceeding labor, 2 days before your due date. I remember spending time with your Daddy that day. We watched movies and hung around the house. I cleaned and he took pictures of me while I swept. Later that night, when contractions seemed to be changing, I texted our doula, Gaylea, to let her know. She told me it sounded like we might be having a baby that night and to go to bed. I followed the rules. Your Daddy didn’t.

I remember the anticipation, the difficulty I had falling asleep that night. But somehow, sleep came to me until 12:46. I remember waking up and going to the bathroom, coming back to bed and looking at the clock. 12:48. I remember how hard it was to get into bed at that point because I was so big. I remember the gush of water that came when I sat down, racing to turn on the light to check, and hollering for your Daddy.

I remember him running into our bedroom. I will never forget his face. He was so excited. He had just turned off the TV and was getting ready to come to bed when I called for him. Sleep would have to wait. You had different plans for us that night.

I remember the significance of that night- my labor beginning where conception began. My pregnancy coming to an end in the same place that your life first started. Two beginnings- yet one beginning closing and another one was unraveling into life.

I remember the contractions, working through them in the darkness of our house. I remember being stunned by their raw intensity. But I wanted to feel everything, to complete this journey with you. It was so hard, but God was so faithful. It was a continuation of the surrender He’d begun in my heart months before. His peace was present, even palpable. It was intimate, and He taught me much on my knees.

I remember looking at your Daddy while I labored, just the two of us alone, and loving him intensely in that moment- for doing what I could not. The years of togetherness giving him the wisdom to know what I needed, even when I couldn’t speak it. I remember his touch on my shoulder, his voice when he prayed, and his arms that helped me stand through the pain. I remember the peace that was in his eyes. I have loved him for so many years, but maybe most at this moment. I hope you experience this one day.

I remember the car ride to the hospital. I was complete 10 minutes after we left the house.I knew it. I didn’t need to be checked to confirm it. I felt so connected to you, so connected to what was happening to my body in those hours. When we passed the Smyrna Airport, I knew you were ready to meet your new world.

I remember the great relief when we arrived at Vanderbilt and your quick arrival- 11 minutes later. True to your character, when you’re ready to do something, you do it right then.

I remember them placing you on my chest as soon as you were born. Your cord was still pulsing and your cry filled up the room. I remember examining your face and those precious little lips in the shape of an “O”, quivering and screaming. Even now, when you cry, your face looks exactly the same as the first time I saw it, and I go right back to that hospital bed in room 9.

I remember the surreal feeling- I couldn’t believe that you were finally here... Looking at you and thinking how much I had to learn about you.

And oh, how I remember the love. My girl. My precious baby that I’d felt and waited for my entire life. The tangible proof of God’s goodness, of the love He cultivated in the heart of your Daddy and me. You literally took my breath away. You still do.

I remember looking up at your Daddy beside me and saying, “We made it! No drugs!” It was such a feeling of accomplishment, that the 3 of us had run this marathon and won together. There is a saying that parents would take on any amount of pain so their child would be safer and happier. This was one of my first gifts to you--choosing the pain so you could have a gentle arrival. And I would do it all again a thousand times over. You were worth it.

I remember 1:00 that day. Everyone was gone. Your Daddy had finally fallen asleep after being awake for over 24 hours. It was just you and me. I held you and wept. I couldn’t believe you were mine. You were better than I expected, more than I’d prayed for.

I didn’t feel that overwhelming sense of “What do we do now?” when we brought you home. I felt so comfortable with you, comfortable just loving you.

I remember the first few weeks, this indescribable bond that emerged as we learned what you liked and what you didn’t, felt out your personality, and became more connected to you than we ever imagined.

I remember watching your cheeks grow. You were so chunky. I never imagined I’d have a chubby baby and I loved every single roll!

I remember when you started chatting and cooing all the time. I knew you were going to be a talker. I waited in anticipation to hear your voice, to hear a real word come out, and when it did I was blown away.

I remember the mornings spent in physical therapy with you, reminding myself of the things that God was teaching me. I loved watching other people who had no previous connection to us invest themselves in you and your well-being. It was so humbling.

I remember simple days at home just watching you grow and develop, and the excitement that I found when you achieved simple things-- sitting up, reaching for toys, a new tooth. I am so grateful I have these treasured memories with you.

I remember asking questions to my family & friends, wanting to do what was best for you. Second guessing myself, hitting my knees in prayer, talking with your Daddy about a thousand different things regarding childrearing. Your life has taught me how great my need is--the need to dwell in the presence of the Savior.

I remember rocking you at night, even months after you were born, even now…. And just crying when I watched you slip into sleep. Sometimes I see you from across the room and my heart fills up so much that I don’t think I can stand it, and the tears flow as I remember these moments with you.

All these memories, etched in my heart. Even if my brain forgets, my heart will always remember. I cannot tell you the insurmountable love I have for you, Abi Kate. I pray that God gives you a daughter one day so you can experience it for yourself. You are exquisite.

I love you for being you. I love you when I see traits of your Daddy and me inside you. I love your unique personality and your pleasant disposition. But I love you for more than just this-- I love you because Christ used you to reach me when I was unreachable. Oh, I’ve never been really out of His reach, I know. But I had steeled myself against things that He’d been calling me to for years, things He wanted me to surrender, a faith He wanted to blossom, a heart He wanted to prune. I am humbled that He would use you, use my own child, to quicken my heart and my life to Him, to teach me the beauty of surrender.

My doula told me countless times while I was pregnant that I was giving birth not only to my child but to my motherhood. I did my best to get a grasp on what that meant, but I didn’t truly understand until I had you in my arms. The way we prepared for your birth, the way it played out-- that has fashioned the way that we've parented you. It taught me to be bold in my choices, to question ideas and research, to trust the decisions that we make for you, and to be an advocate for you in every way. But most importantly, it taught me to rely on the One who has all the answers already. You ushered me into motherhood so gently and easily, and I am so grateful to you for that.

Your name fits you perfectly, the name we picked out long before you were conceived, before we were ever even married. Abigail means “The joy of the Father”  and Kate means “Pure.” This is you-- you possess these qualities. I pray so often that your life will continue to bring joy to your Heavenly Father. That you will seek after Him and live as a pure and holy vessel, that your identity would be found in Calvary’s cross.

One year ago today, I couldn’t have known the love I now feel, the fulfillment I experience, the gratefulness and growth that has taken up residence in my soul. You have spurred on this change, Abigail. You have given our lives this great new meaning. And we love you desperately.

Happy first birthday, Abi Kate! We are so thankful for your sweet life. You are our most priceless gift. 

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Marks of Motherhood

“It is the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done.”
“You have no time in the day.”
“It’s the busiest job you’ll ever have.”
“It’ll change your life.” (with a sigh after said statement)

One guess as to what these phrases refer to…  Yep, motherhood.  I heard each of these at least a jillion times before getting pregnant, while pregnant, and after having a baby.  I’ve probably even said some of them, though I hope not in the context that I often hear them. I’ve been reading lately about my role as a mother. I do believe it is a calling that has been placed on my life from God as I believe He is the one who gave me my child, but I often feel/have felt a disconnect between myself and other mothers, even other mothers who share this same view of motherhood as a calling. I do not mean all mothers or women by any means;  but the feeling of “I don’t fit in here” normally comes after I’ve heard one of these statements.  Ever felt like that? If you have, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. I’ve never been able to quite put my finger on the way I feel without feeling like or sounding like I view myself as a superior mom. Trust me, I am not superior. I repeat- I. Am. Not.  Pop into my house randomly at any given hour during the week and you’ll see how "unsuperior" I am.

I stumbled across this statement and idea in my reading recently. It was so profound to me, and I sat there and reread it and thought, “That’s it. That’s the disconnect I’m feeling.”

 All mothers love their children, but not all mothers love motherhood.

I know it sounds a bit harsh, but I think it’s truth. I think women can full heartedly love their children but not flourish and enjoy actual mothering. It explains the martyrdom, the negativity, and the overwhelming sense I get from some women when they speak about mothering. I’m definitely not saying that there aren’t bad days or times where you feel overwhelmed as a mother. Who hasn’t felt like that?!  Like those days where someone is knocking at your door, you haven’t gotten dressed yet, your child just spit up in your hair, you actually have no clean towels anywhere in your house because the laundry is so backed up, and bonus- you have no bra on. Yep, had those. Or those days where the baby that you love and adore so much just has one melt down after another and nothing you do seems to help. Those days happen here, too. I’ve been tired from lack of sleep and busy from too many commitments and unfinished housework while attempting to be a mom 24/7 in the midst of that. That’s not what I’m talking about. Of course those days happen and of course we feel defeated on those days. Crazy, insane, busy days where everything goes wrong happen in any line of work. You don’t have to be a mom to experience that.

I love motherhood. I do. Honest to goodness love it. I went back and forth for years about what I wanted my career path to be, so much so that I changed my major my junior year of college.(Not exactly ideal timing on my part....) You’d have received a different answer to what I wanted to do when I grew up depending on my age at the time. But one thing I never wavered from was my desire to be a wife and a mother.  One of my best friends has always said I’d be on kid 3 by the time she was ready for kid 1. ;) I love children. I love the child I share with my husband. I love parenting with him. In fact, I was talking with one of my friends the other day and I told her I wasn’t expecting it, but parenting with your husband is romantic- she agreed (9 kids later, I’m sure that doesn’t come as a shock to anyone!). I think God birthed this desire in me at an early age. Because of that, I think it has been easy for me to love this new role I’ve been placed in, and I think a large portion of that was credited to my mom’s example. 

     Everybody thinks their mom is the best. I’m no exception to that rule. And after being a mom, I realize now how indebted  I am to her influence in my life. My sister and I are 24 months apart. I have a feeling there were a lot of chaotic days for my mom when we were little. Two kids age 2 and under-- busy times were had, no doubt. She stayed home with us, and I’m pretty positive she was exhausted and overwhelmed at times like anyone would be. But I’m not kidding when I say that the first time I heard my mom talk about having rough days at home with us as young children was this past summer. I am 25 years old. It took me 25 years to hear her speak of motherhood in that way; and even when she did, she was actually speaking to encourage another mother. She and Dad had gone out to dinner while we were on vacation and she saw a young family with two little children that looked to be about two years apart. She said that on her way out, she stopped and asked the mother their ages who confirmed that there was a two year age difference. Mom said she looked at the woman and told her she remembered those times, remembered that there could be very trying, busy days; but my mother offered that younger mother encouragement, telling her that she also remembered lots of sweet moments and to know that a lot of things get easier as they get older. And all I could think about here lately is how that resembles exactly what scripture is talking about in Titus 2-- older women who teach “what is good…urge[ing] younger women to love their husbands and children.” I don’t know why I never stopped to think about what it must’ve been like for my mom at home with us, that she experienced the realities of mothering young children. I guess it just never crossed my mind that she would struggle like any other mother. I think it never crossed my mind because she has never dwelled on the difficult days, on the things she gave up, or the sense of being overwhelmed. She embraced motherhood. She didn’t just love her children with great devotion, she accepted and welcomed her role as mother and all that it entails. She did not fight against it, but considered it a role from the Creator, prayed for His direction, and she loved it. I think that’s the problem-- it’s easy to embrace our children, but not always so easy to embrace  motherhood. It means accepting that chaos happens, putting aside your “to do” list and moving your children to the top of that list instead. It means a giving up of self-- going without sleep sometimes, having to make 1000 decisions in an hour. And it means doing that joyfully, taking great delight in the task ahead. It means acknowledging our own weaknesses and staking claim to the promises that Christ will uphold us. In Colossians 4:17, Paul’s instructs another to “See that you fulfill the ministry that you have received in the Lord.”  My child, my husband, my home-- this is my first ministry. I think when we understand and believe that this is a role we’ve received from the Lord, the vain striving can stop. Any task that echoes in eternity has never been an easy one in my experience. Has it been rewarding? Yes. Has it been easy? Occassionally. Have there been difficult days? Absolutely. Motherhood is no different-- but the first thing I hear out of a believer’s mouth usually isn’t about how rough it is to be a believer, how hard the days are, how exhausting it is… What I do hear a lot of is the mercy offered to us, the undeserved blessings that are poured out in abundance, and faithfulness of a divine Savior who gives us aid in all circumstances. Why should we say anything different about motherhood? Why aren’t the blessings of motherhood usually the first things on our lips? Why does the laundry list of difficulties get poured out first and “but my kids are precious” come last? If we believe we’re called to mothering as we are called to walk faithfully with Christ, then what’s the difference? It doesn’t mean that we don’t speak about the realities and trying times of motherhood. It’s foolishness to pretend like they don’t exist, to feel like we have to keep them to ourselves. I’m not suggesting that at all, just like I’d never suggest that we hide our struggles as believers. It’s important to share our hearts and to be transparent. But what about sharing the rewards coupled with some realities, not just tossing in how great kids are as a final statement or afterthought? I think we often forget about the power of our words and of our attitudes. I’m guilty time and time again of that in a variety of topics.

I hear all the time right now that I will learn when I have more than one child. (You know, when you’re pregnant everyone says “you’ll learn” once you have that baby. And then once that baby arrives, you can’t learn until you have another one….I must be missing something…) Sometimes it’s just an attitude in things said to me-- that I know a little bit less because I only have one child, that suddenly by giving birth to another life I will be awakened and enlightened to what motherhood really is (because you can’t know anything about mothering after only having 1 child), and I can just pack away my current notions of happiness with mothering because they will never return. I should get ready to buckle down and do the hardest thing in the world where my days at home will be impossible… with a few pleasant moments thrown in. Goodbye happy, intentional moments spent with my daughter. (There’s a lot of sarcasm here on my part-- are you grasping it?!?) It only makes sense that more children equates to greater busyness, more chaos, more fatigue. I have no doubt that more children will mean much more learning for me and therefore changing ideas and many new challenges, but I surely hope it doesn’t make me cynical. I guess the years will tell. Maybe some of this has to do with expectations. I didn’t enter into motherhood expecting it to be easy, so I haven’t been taken completely off guard. I don’t expect having more children to be easier, but I do believe that Christ will equip me as He calls me.

 Sometimes discussion of motherhood reminds me of “husband bashing” (nope, I’m not a fan of that either.) It’s one thing to share openly where you’re struggling in your marriage or to laugh together about the difficulties of sharing life with another. It’s an entirely separate thing to drip a pessimistic view of marriage every time you speak. I feel the same way about mothering. I’m not sure if it comes from a need to validate one’s own work since many people think mothers (especially those at home) are doing a whole lot of nothing, if it comes from a need to bolster oneself higher than another, or if it’s just the typical picture of a woman rambling on and sharing excessively (I’ve definitely done my fair share of that last one). Maybe it’s  from none of the things I’ve mentioned or think. Either way, it breeds discouragement, and I have personally felt it from others. I hope we all have women that we can go to as friends and share frustrations with or vent to.  I’m so grateful for those friends- who I can shoot a text to in the middle of the day that reads something like, “What is going on in my house?! What happened to my sweet angel baby?!” And they get it. They laugh with me and assure me they’ve been there, too. I hope that there are women who hold us accountable and offer discipleship in each of our lives.  I have those, too. They are priceless. To me, this is one of the most important reasons to surround yourself with other Christian women and mothers. But my momentary frustrations or struggles shouldn’t pour over into my explanations of motherhood, they shouldn’t outshine the fulfillment that comes from raising my daughter and investing myself in her completely. That only serves to perpetuate the cultural idea of children-- that they are difficult time suckers, inconvenient, change- your- life- in- the- worst- kind- of- way beings. That’s not a biblical view of children, it’s not a view I embrace, and one that I hope I never emulate to others.      

In a few days, I will officially have a full year of mothering under my belt. It’s not much in comparison to others, but I have learned a lot in this brief time. I think in this last year I’ve had more than enough discouragement offered to me in my new role. I am choosing not to receive that. I hope that others would look at my life and view motherhood differently than what society portrays. I hope I speak of motherhood in truth, uplifting others, sharing its great gifts, its hardships, and the satisfaction that comes from training up children in the knowledge of Christ. More than that, I hope I live it. Most of all, I hope that my children would have that view of me, that they would hear me offer encouragement to other women about mothering. Our words are powerful. They are transformative. So is motherhood. It is a life-altering, call you on the carpet, get right with Jesus kind of experience. And I love it. Even when it’s hard and days are crazy and when I’m unsure if I’ve made the right decisions. Even when God uses my child to correct my behavior, when He to draws me closer to Himself, when He uses her to refine me and the refining hurts… I love it then, too. It is purposeful. He has fashioned me for these moments, for this child, and for this role. So even if I mess up and suck, He doesn’t and neither does His strength within me. I love the nurturing and the learning, the service and even the selflessness that is required. I love being a mother.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Passing of a Season...

Ever feel like you’re grieving over something that seems slightly nonsensical? That’s kind of where I’m at right now. I don’t know why Abi Kate’s approaching birthday has been difficult for me to embrace. It is a great thing, a beautiful thing. We are celebrating a full year of life with her, her health, sweet memories, and all that she has become. I think maybe I’m just grieving the ending of this season of life with her-- the first year with her and all that entails. Or maybe I’ve just been watching a few too many episodes of 'Friday Night Lights'-- because all I’ve thought about the last few days is how Abi Kate is going to grow up and go away to college and be her own person like the daughter in that show. Not gonna lie-- I totally cried when that girl pulled out of the driveway. I don’t even like her character. She’s selfish and kind of a butt, but I was still crying on the end of the couch. That’s like 17 years away. Were those tears really rational?! Probably not….

You know some tears that were rational, though? I was laying in bed last night, thinking about this past year with her, thinking about how at this time last year I was hugely pregnant and very uncomfortable. I was contracting off and on (until I hit 38 weeks and then it just kinda stayed ‘on’). I was getting ready to begin my maternity leave. I was anticipating the arrival of our daughter and the changing of our lives. I was downing an entire family sized roll of Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie dough. By myself. In like 2 or 3 days time. (Oh my word that’s so nasty and embarrassing. I swear that was the only time I ate such garbage during my pregnancy. Please don’t tell my midwife!)  Seriously though, my life was different then. I went to bed and thought about the future, praying it would hurry up and arrive. I woke up wishing it had arrived and wishing that I was in labor. These days, I find myself going to bed and just praying that I could freeze time, that it would stop slipping away from me so quickly, that the future would just take its sweet  time arriving. While I was laying there thinking about these things, I felt that big thick lump where you’re trying to stop yourself from crying. You know you’ve had that, too! I kept telling myself it was dumb to cry over her growing up and to just quit it. (You talk to yourself at night like this too, right?!)  But I reasoned with myself. I decided it was ok to be sad, to miss this time with my baby girl. I thought about going into her room, risking waking her up, just to hold her and rock her or nurse her. I watched the monitor and hoped I’d see the red lights flickering and I’d hear her cry. But she didn’t. She doesn’t need me in the nighttime much anymore the way she used to. So I cried. I cried for times past that won’t happen again. Oh, I’m sure we’ll one day have late nights with another tiny crying baby, or at least I hope we do. But it won’t be with her. We might even have nights where Abi Kate cries out and needs us, but it won’t be that little bitty baby that fit so perfectly just on my chest. There will be great times in the future, but they will be different. And so I cried for that. I laid there and started to get the snubs (you know where your whole body shakes and you make that really loud sniffly noise because your nose is running.) I thought it might wake Tommy up, and honestly, I wanted it to. (Sorry babe!) I mean, at least he can be sad with me. He didn’t wake up. Of course in all fairness, you could literally drive a train through our bedroom at night, he’d sleep right through it, and be none the wiser in the morning. So, I snubbed a little louder (maybe on purpose?! Oops!), but he still slept. I didn’t want to shake him and wake him up because I felt a little pathetic doing that, even though I know he would’ve woken up and talked with me.  I just cried by myself, and it felt ok and even right.

The more I’ve thought about it, I feel less silly (sort of) about it all. In the weeks following her arrival, I cried because I missed her kicks. Even when she was just all knees and elbows and it actually hurt when she’d move inside me, I missed carrying her life inside me, with me at all times. The first time I felt her move, I was 14 weeks pregnant.  Just as graceful in pregnancy as I am outside it, I’d tripped and fallen in our kitchen pretty hard. I was completely terrified and just immediately started crying. I called the midwives’ office and my doula. My doula got back to me first and after asking lots of questions, told me to go take a bath and relax and notify her and my midwife if I started cramping or bleeding at all. I got in the tub, turned on relaxing music, lit some candles, and just rested in the tub. I remember rubbing my stomach and praying over Abi Kate while I did. I felt her move in that moment and I felt peace because I knew in my heart that she was ok. I’ve always felt like that was one of God’s sweetest gifts to me. It’s kind of unusual in a first pregnancy to feel a baby move that early, even more unusual for me because I had an anterior placenta. Many women with anterior placentas rarely feel their baby move at all-- even at the end of pregnancy. Abi Kate did not fall into that statistic. She was just as busy a baby in utero as she is now, and I felt every kick, spin, and stretch. (Also can I just say that at my 18 week appointment, when I found out about the position of my placenta my midwife informed me if I ever fall I should fall on my hands and knees or it might cause an abruption if my belly hit anything. Um, thanks for that. SO glad I didn’t have that bit of knowledge 4 weeks earlier. I would’ve been out of control!) It was odd to me that I would miss it. Here she was in my arms, much better than in pregnancy, right? But I told Tommy that I would never experience that with her again, feeling her move in me. I felt the exact same way about labor. No matter how many children God gives us, I will never labor with her again. She and I will never work together in that amazing dance of birth like we did when she arrived. I guess all of these things are related… just a sadness over the passing of a season, of times spent together than can’t be recreated.  And I think that’s ok. To reflect on it, but not to dwell there. To embrace the new times ahead, but hang on to the times past, even if that brings some tears and sadness.

I spent the other night thinking about how tired I was when she had her sleep regression. The exhaustion and fatigue of being awakened every hour. I thought about how I had to make myself be joyful, to ask the Lord for grace in the moment. I wish I had savored that time just a little bit more, those moments when everything was quiet and dark in our house and she and I were the only ones awake. I wish I hadn’t worried about her sleep as much, stopped worrying about what our overly autonomous society says about babies sleeping, and just accepted those sweet hours with her with gratefulness. I did near the end, but it took me a few weeks to arrive there. I will remember for next time. I won’t forget. Because I know how quickly time passes, how quickly they grow up, and how independent they become all on their own.  

I’m excited for this next year with her. I know it will be filled with growth (for her and for me) and filled with many more memories. I’m sure that this time next year, I will be feeling the same way. Completely stunned that another year has passed and that she has grown.  I think I’ll be thrilled for all that we’ve been given, the time with her, much like I feel now. And if I need to feel a little sad and cry a little bit, I’m just going to let myself.  I’ve learned a lot in the last year, and one thing I know for sure--she is undoubtedly worth snubbing over.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Throw that Spoon Away!

16 days. That’s all I’ve got until my baby officially crosses over from the “months old” group to “years old” group. I try to be reflective in most areas of my life, particularly in relationships & decisions. This, of course, has spilled over into my motherhood. In light of that, I think my next few posts will be on things that we’ve tried, enjoyed, and learned in this past year as first time parents, just some fun stuff and I’m sure some more serious stuff as well.

I think most people know I’m an advocate for breastfeeding. I certainly understand that not all women can breastfeed, choose to, etc. However, I also believe that most women are rarely offered the support and knowledge they need to be successful in achieving their breastfeeding goals, whatever those goals may be- whether 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years. Unfortunately, I’ve seen that this lack of support leaves most women feeling like they are failures or that their bodies have failed them, which isn’t truth. Instead of being surrounded by other women, care providers, and family that assist, encourage, or are very knowledgeable about breastfeeding, most women are told to simply stop trying-- which completely undermines that woman’s goals and mindset for her achievements.  It reinforces the idea that “No, you can’t. You just aren’t able to” and suggests that they or their bodies are incapable. Because I’ve seen that happen more often than not, I am extremely grateful (and I do mean grateful) that I’ve been able to nurse Abi Kate for so long. She has nursed like a barracuda from the time that she was only a few minutes old.  While we certainly had a relatively easy experience, those early days were definitely challenging. (You know the magazine pictures with moms all sweet and refreshed looking and pleasantly nursing their baby with a smile and a pretty shirt snuggled up in a soft rocking chair? Ok, that does not happen the first 4 weeks. Just let that image go, embrace a different one, and know that it will be that easy in a few weeks!)  I was so blessed to be surrounded by a husband that encouraged me, women (including my mother) who offered their wisdom and experience and supported my goals with their words and actions. I was blessed to have a fantastic lactation consultant who reassured me and offered praise instead of discouragement and has served as an endless source of knowledge.  Therefore, when we began to look into introducing solid food, it was extremely important to me to preserve the nursing relationship.

I actually always planned to make my own baby food. My mom did, so I planned to do what she did. It is much cheaper and also much healthier than the store bought version. When Abi Kate was a month or two old, I really started inhaling information on breastfeeding and I came across the idea of Baby-Led Weaning. An easy description: skip the purees, go straight to table food, and let baby feed himself.  The more reading I did on it, the more I agreed. But I was really disappointed because I had wanted to make my own food. I even had all my baby food recipe books ready to go. I had all these visions of me being Super Mom with my freezer filled with little ice cubes of homemade sweet potatoes and organic baby applesauce. (And honestly, most of those visions that included me being Super Mom in any way, form, or fashion have now completely disappeared! Welcome to motherhood, Katie!) Since I was agreeing with what I was reading, I told Tommy what I was thinking. As always, he was completely supportive of any new, random venture and was happy to learn about it himself and jump on board with me. (He is truly one of a kind.) The process of learning to eat solids just made sense to us with this method.

I subscribe to the theory that “Food is for fun until they are one.” I actually remember my IBCLC telling me that when she was packing up to leave after a home visit when Abi Kate was 8 days old. It stuck with me, encouraged me to research, and shaped the way I felt about introducing food. I always nurse first, then offer solid foods. You’d think this would slow down my child’s appetite. Not so much.  She can and does throw down. We waited until Abi Kate was 6 months old to begin solids, mostly because I just don’t believe in introducing food before that (and yes, I do think there are exceptions to my “rule”). Since we were going to be offering foods other than easily digestible breastmilk, we wanted to pick very nutrient dense foods. Tommy knows a lot about nutrition, vitamins, and how they work inside the body. I had learned a lot about the process of Baby-Led Weaning  (BLW) and its many benefits, so we complemented each other very well here. We picked avocado to begin with, giving her large chunks that were too big for her to choke on. Avocado is rich in healthy fats, and as infants should NOT be on a low calorie diet, we felt it was appropriate to begin with. It’s a common first food suggested in BLW. She loved it, and it is one of her favorites to this day. She can eat an entire avocado within a few minutes without blinking an eye. 
Occasionally, I got strange looks when feeding her table food at that age, but most of the time I just received questions. Is it safe? Isn’t it a choking hazard? How is she getting enough to eat?  So here are my responses to that:

One of the benefits of BLW is that babies learn to chew food before swallowing it. This was a big deal-clincher for me because it made a lot of sense. I have rarely seen a baby chew rice cereal or baby food, and I have fed a lot of babies. Hence the reasoning behind graduated thickness in pureed food. As soon as something solid went into Abi Kate’s mouth, she immediately began gumming it, thus learning to chew before swallowing. And no, she did not have any teeth when she began solids.  Since babies’ gag reflexes are located more towards the front of the mouth than the back, yes, they do gag occasionally when they eat food. However, one of the benefits I saw from that was that Abi Kate quickly learned how to clear food out of her throat. If she gagged, we made exaggerated chewing faces to get her back on track with chewing, so to speak. It worked. It definitely made my heart stop the first few times, but I reminded myself that she wasn’t choking. Choking is no sound, color change, no air passing through, etc. Gagging isn’t a big deal. I accidentally gag myself all the time when I brush my teeth.  I feel like she is at much less risk for choking in the coming years as she learns to eat more foods because she knows how to clear a big piece of food out of her throat, she knows to spit it back up and try again, etc. She would not have learned this with me spoon feeding. And for the last few months, it has rarely happened. Honestly, it didn’t happen all that much in the beginning either, but it is an important part of understanding of BLW works. 

One of my favorite parts of BLW is that it uses your specific baby’s cues to accommodate their hunger and allows them to become interested in food gradually. In my opinion, both of these things are extremely important in cultivating healthy eating habits, food regulation, and adopting a wider food palate. Babies’ hunger is much like ours--sometimes they’re hungrier than others. Some mornings, I wake up famished and want a huge breakfast. Sometimes, a piece of fruit is plenty for me. Because Abi Kate feeds herself, she regulates food based on her hunger level, not how much is “left in the jar” or how much she “should be eating” based on a measurement chart (this is another benefit of believing “Food for fun until she’s 1.”) I don’t expect her to consume a certain amount and I don’t spend anytime measuring the amount she eats, which allows her to eat until she is full. She never overeats and she doesn’t undereat. Babies do not have food associations the way we do, and they’re not attached emotionally to food like we are either- whether we avoid or consume more of a particular type when we feel happy, sad, etc.  She eats the amount her body needs and can handle at that moment. I never worry about her not eating enough because the majority of her calories and nutrition come from breastmilk. The other food is just added nutrients. As she grows and is ready to make solid food a greater part of her regular diet, she spaces out her nursing sessions because she eats more food in one sitting. It’s a slow, but healthy and gentle practice to weaning in my opinion.

Another great benefit is that she eats a great variety of foods. You can only find particular types of foods in premade baby food, and even if you make your own, it’s hard to create the right texture and consistency of some foods. She loves kiwi, mango, cantaloupe, sautéed baby spinach leaves, peppers with garlic and onion, all types of dry beans, scrambled eggs with Tuscany seasonings, cinnamon carrots etc.  Because she’s breastfed, every meal already tastes different to her based on what I have eaten that day. She prefers a lot of the seasonings that I do-- garlic, onion, black pepper, herbs, etc. In fact, when I realized that I could season foods in preparation for her at such a young age, it almost made me feel like I was making her “baby food.”  (Which restored my Super Mom visions….. totally kidding!)  Those baby food books come in handy with seasoning ideas for real foods. And if you’re creative in the kitchen already, you can really get into this method! Baby Led Weaning allows her to explore a variety of foods and flavors in their original fresh form, without changing the texture or with added water (which makes things taste more bland). So far, we’ve found almost nothing that she won’t eat.

That’s one of the points of BLW-- that babies will simply eat whatever you eat. Tommy and I are pickier than that for her at this point, though.  It has definitely made me stop and consider what I am eating and why I am not willing for her to eat that as well. In the last several months, we’ve attempted to move to a more plant-based diet. (Just an FYI- we’re in no way vegan or vegetarian. I like my cheeseburgers! But we’ve tried to make meat much less standard in our home.) BLW has been an extra encourager in that for us. I know lots of people think we are silly or just typical “first-timers” for being very selective over what she eats. Lots of people have told me that I won’t be that way once a second baby comes. I’m sure there’s truth in that, but I really hope not. I hope I can always put nutrition before convenience in regards to my children. To me, these are formative years for them holistically, and that includes the development of their organ systems. I want to offer quality foods with quality nutrients while I can control what she eats. One day she will be four and will have a definite opinion on what she wants to eat and probably where she wants to eat. She will have the rest of her life to struggle with saying “no” to processed foods much the way that I struggle. She will one day have to choose between cherries or chips and water or coke the exact same way that I do. Why wouldn’t I want to give her the best start I can right now? Why wouldn’t I want to help boost her immune system while I can? Why wouldn’t I want to teach her to eat real foods not processed foods? I hope it will make her choices easier when she is older.

There’s a few more benefits I’ve seen. One, I don’t have to feed her. She has always fed herself.  No splitting time between feeding her and then myself. We all just sit down and eat together. In fact, if I try to feed her a piece of food, 99% of the time she spits it out of her mouth, then picks it back up and puts it in her mouth on her own (Tasty, huh?). As she has grown, we’ve done different things with food. Sometimes we offered great big chunks, other times very little pieces that she couldn’t choke on. This has helped develop her pincer grasp. Sometimes we offer sticks of food so she gets used to grasping and taking appropriate sized bites. Because she is used to picking up food and putting it directly in her mouth, it helps with her direction and control as she learns to use utensils for food. Another benefit is that she’s never experienced constipation. I really think that’s because she’s controlling the amount she needs. Her body signals for her when to stop eating, and because I’m not expecting her to consume a set amount, her little tummy never gets overfull. She also eats a mostly plant- based diet, which also prevents constipation. A third benefit is that if you are particular about purchasing organics, you can do it more easily with BLW! Yes, I know they sell organic baby food, but have you seen the cost of it for one small jar?! You get so much more food from one piece of organic fruit than from one jar of food.

Honestly, BLW is convenient and cheap, much like breastfeeding. (I’m beginning to recognize a pattern in myself…) I don’t spend time boiling food, blending it, adding milk/water in, storing it, freezing it in adequate portions, etc. If it’s a food that needs to be softened for her to eat, I usually bake or steam it lightly in larger portions and freeze it as is or throw the remaining amount in a storage container in the fridge for the next two days. A few weeks into our BLW experience, I found out a new friend of mine had done BLW, too (through a text message discussing my child’s diaper contents, no less. Only a mother could possibly care about that, right?!). She was a great encouragement as we figured things out in the early months and had great ideas about cutting up sticks of food like squash or zucchini, keeping it in the freezer, and pulling out just as many sticks at a time as you need and baking them for meals, snacks, etc. This has worked wonderfully for us and also serves as a great tie over-- you know, when she’s starving and I haven’t quite finished getting her meal and mine together! ;)

So, toss that baby spoon off to the side! You might find you don’t miss it at all. And your baby might not either!

Here’s what Baby Led Weaning looks like at a variety of stages…..
 Her first time trying food at 6 months. Before food went in the hair! Bows are no longer allowed with meals! ;)
    Eating some baked zucchini sticks at 6-7 months
 Eating sloppy lentils at 8 months (sloppy joes minus the meat and lentils instead)
 Some messes are just easier to clean up in the tub!
 And occasionally, BLW might include this step! ;)
 But look at that clean, happy baby!
Apparently, Carribean black beans are a good reason to laugh!
 Spinach for lunch at 9 months!

 Eating a banana & oranges for breakfast at 10 months.
 Trying out her spoon for the first time with peas at 11 months. Sometimes clothing is optional when she eats ;)
Daddy helping hold the spoon steady with cantaloupe and strawberries. The picture after this was too fuzzy and definitely an example of "I can do it myself!"

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Sinners in the Hands of a Merciful God

Sorry, Jonathan Edwards. I  know I stole your idea, but I like my title better.  ;) 

 I’m increasingly impressed by the things the Lord uses inside my new role as a mom to train me up and to bring me to a greater awareness of my need for Him. Abi Kate is definitely an explorer, like most babies her age. It seems like a second ago I could sit her on the floor with some toys and she’d play FOREVER just sitting there. Oh my, are those days gone or what?! Do they make baby sticky pads?! This mobile babyhood stage is exciting and filled with fun but also filled with exhaustion. I think she’s just making sure I stay young for a long time. I’m ok with that. :) If there is a pile of toys on the floor, be sure that my daughter will find the lone crumb in the carpet to snack on instead. Flashing toys, wooden blocks, and baby dolls just can’t compete with a pile of dog hair in a corner that the vacuum missed. Thankfully, her colon works just great so it all “comes out in the wash” so to speak. ;)

When she started really getting around at about 8 months, she was introduced to the wonderful world of “No, No.” I was fairly convinced for awhile that I’d given birth to one of those kids with defiant disorder. She totally laughed whenever I said “No”. So, I put on my serious “teacher face” and made sure to drop that playful tone out of my voice and this elicited nothing but a fit of giggles from her. I was starting to sweat it. Everything I’d learned about a baby’s learning timeline flew right out the window & my fear of having “that kid” became paramount. I believe at one point I told Tommy, “What were we thinking?! Spending all that time praying about her birth and breastfeeding and sleep. We should’ve been praying about her behavior!”  Thankfully, that moment of drama on my part ended. He’s a good stabilizer ;). It took her a few weeks, but she slowly started learning what the word “no” meant. Now that she’s 11 months old, she definitely knows what it means.  But what’s funny is that I watch her, even at such a young age, struggle with sin. Our laptop has to stay plugged in at all times or it dies (thanks, crappy battery). There’s nothing Abi Kate would rather chew on than a plugged in laptop cord. She has been redirected and told ‘no’ more times than I could possibly count regarding this cord. We’ve moved it, lifted it up, blocked it, etc. But she will pursue it until the ends of the earth. She has climbed pillows, gotten herself wedged in between an ottoman and side table to reach it. And every time she gets near it, she looks at it, says “No No” and looks back at me. I can literally watch her contemplating her choice. I remind her no with a shake of my head. And she shakes her head at the cord and repeats “No” again.  She’ll often look back one more time and barely reach out and put one lone finger on it, and look back at me to see what my response is. She did this with the Christmas tree, too. Doing whatever she had to do to get close enough to the tree to barely reach an ornament. Sometimes, she’d cruise her little self away from the tree after telling herself “no no.” But more often than not, she’d try to reach it, sometimes even drawing her hand back when she saw I was watching. And sometimes, she even hurried to try and snatch an ornament, crawling away as fast as she could when she saw me coming. Here’s an unpopular idea that most of our culture and even lots of believers don’t like:

My baby is a sinner. Even at her sweet, loveable & innocent age of 8 months, she was a sinner. And like all sinners, she needs a Savior.(And yes, I do believe in the age of accountability, but I’m not covering that in this post). She does what she does because, yes, she is curious and learning and this is how she grows. However, she also does what she does because she was born into sin, a fully fledged flesh nature ingrained in her from the moment of conception. I believe that children do see examples of poor behavior and mimic it, but I also believe that they choose to mimic it because they are “tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.” (James 1: 14) They absolutely have the option not to mimic poor behavior, not to disobey, not to hit, not to respond disrespectfully, but they don’t. And it’s not simply because they’re innocent or learning and have been influenced by others.  It is because they were dragged away by their own desires. Like it or not, it’s biblical. Don’t think kids are sinners? Go hang out in a Kindergarten class for a few hours.

    I don’t think any believer likes to think of their child as a sinner. I certainly don’t. But I believe when we do acknowledge it, it changes our response to them. It allows us to speak biblical truth into their lives, even from a young age, to model and teach Christ-like choices and holy living. To blame other people or other things for our own child’s misgivings perpetuates a victim mentality and teaches children to blame other people and other things for their poor choices. That’s not something we plan to teach our daughter. It’s a hard scenario, and it will only become harder as she grows, I know. At her young age, she isn’t really influenced by others yet (whew, not ready for that stage yet!). It is her own nature that drives her. And trust me, it does drive her!  I certainly give credence to the idea that yes, children do see behaviors from others and they act upon them. I believe in environmental exposure and the way that affects a child’s upbringing, behavior, psyche, etc. But I don’t believe that knowing and agreeing with those secular ideas releases me from the realities of spiritual reasoning and from our role as Abi Kate’s spiritual leaders. We want to teach her to look at things from a biblical perspective, to evaluate choices, behaviors, and attitudes of herself & of others with the view of Jesus, not with the view of our culture. Will this look different at every age? Of course it will. Obviously, a 10 minute sit down conversation about sin nature isn’t going to happen with a 15 month old. Nor is a discussion about another child’s home environment going to happen with my 3 year old. I’m a fan of age appropriateness in all situations, including this one. But that doesn’t mean that my theological beliefs shouldn’t color the way that I respond to her when she is disobedient. It means that I acknowledge that biblical truth is applicable not only to adults but that it applies to my baby as well. It means that I drop the attitudes of “it’s not her fault” or “she wouldn’t do that on her own accord” or “she’s just kind and innocent and learning” and accept that yes, it was her choice whether she’s young and learning or is repeating what another child did. We can’t train her up to acknowledge her sin and need for a Savior if we’re busy putting off her choices on someone else or something else. Those two things stand in opposition to each other. It’s important that I submit to this idea, and not just with my words, if I want to see an eventual heart change in my child. Think little kids don’t pick up on your attitudes regarding their choices? Wrong. Go ask a teacher whose dealt with kids who have parents that make excuses for their preschooler. They’ll be happy to enlighten you. I don’t want my love and adoration for her & her innocence to gloss over her need for accountability. She will pick up on that. As she grows I’ll have to consider what I’m doing-- Maybe I’ll need to model better choices, maybe I’ll need to engage her in role play activities to help her understand, or maybe I’ll just simply need to hit my knees a little bit harder and ask that God would give her a soft heart and an awareness of wrong choices.  Our prayer now is that God would give us the wisdom to accept that her choices result from a sin issue, to know how to gently but effectively respond to that at each age, and to know how to lovingly steer her towards the cross. When we pray over her every night, Tommy always prays that God would give her a soft heart towards the things of the Lord even from the earliest age. I believe that God honors the prayers of the righteous, so I’m claiming that for my daughter, for her salvation.

Sometimes it is hard for me to accept the current condition of her soul. I am absolutely in love with this baby girl. I adore everything about her. She has my heart completely wrapped up in every little action, smile, and giggle. I don’t like to think about her having any traits that are less than lovely. But I know that she does. In fact, for awhile as a newborn, we really thought she was Tommy made over; and in a lot of ways she is. However, as her personality began to develop, it was clear that she is also my child, and unfortunately some of those less than lovely traits I was talking about stem right from me. I kid you not when I say she has thrown her little body on the floor, leaned over with face in the ground, and screamed and kicked her feet when I have removed her from something she shouldn’t be playing with. It was an impressive fit for a 10 month old, though I’m pretty sure I could’ve given her a run for her money at 10 months. What say you, Mom?! Abi Kate has never seen me do that (Whew! Thank the Lord, huh?!). It isn’t a learned behavior. It is her response to not receiving what she wants. A sin nature. Even though I don’t act on it in that manner, that’s the way I feel now as an adult when things aren’t going well. It’s the way I feel when the Lord disciplines me. And much like she just has to tread along the edge of things she knows she shouldn’t do, I often find myself in the same situation spiritually. For me, this usually manifests itself in thoughts and attitudes which then overflow into my conversation.  Even when I know that dwelling on a situation where I feel wronged or upset will only fuel the fire for me, I do it anyway because I feel entitled. Entitled to “getting it off my chest” and speaking my mind. That’s not to say I should never vent. There’s definitely a time for that. But in certain times or circumstances, I know when it’s best for me to claim my inadequacies in dealing with the situation in a Godly manner and ask for help. Too often, I don’t do that.  I just have to scrape the edge, which leads to a cascade and gives birth to full blown sin instead of just temptation.  Sin is such a slippery slope. I wonder how the Lord looks at me, as He watches me wrestle with choices the way I watch my daughter…  when I place myself in a situation  that easily leads to sin instead of running from it, running for my life, for my soul- be it physical, mental, or emotional.

We long for Abi Kate to desire the things of the Lord. There is so much fullness & hope in this life because of the cross. Tommy & I have experienced this hope and the mercy that was willingly offered at the hand of our Creator. This makes the wait for her salvation a little harder I think. As I mentioned before, I do believe Christ shows much grace & mercy to young children who haven’t reached an accountable age of realization. It is His nature. But sometimes I still get antsy at the thought of her responsibility. I can make a lot of decisions for her- but not this one, not salvation. It helps to know that He is the lover of her soul, that His love reaches levels of extravagance for her that I couldn’t even begin to dream up;  that He pursues her, even now when she’s too young to comprehend that. It is humbling to me to think from a new perspective-- that the cross wasn’t just for me and my sin, but for my child’s as well. That He extends forgiveness coupled with a reward in exchange for our destitution. I pray that we are able to offer her that reality and truth in the words we say and mostly in the lives we live. That she would “grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love Christ” for her (Ephesians 3:18),that her mind and heart would understand and fully comprehend, and that we would know the right ways to guide her-- this is my desire. There is sweet freedom in the blood of Jesus.

As we evolve in our parenthood and reach new stages, like discipline, that we haven’t encountered before, we realize more and more of our great need for Christ to be ever present in our lives, in every moment and every situation. I hope that we are moldable and attentive to the leadership of the Spirit, that we would help lead our daughter to the ”way everlasting.”