The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Thing

I almost didn’t write this, because well…. it’s gross and pretty random. But I have this friend. And if you know this friend, then you fully understand her sense of humor and why she would deem this “blog worthy” and if you’d read her funny text messages regarding this ‘incident’ you would probably laugh. Actually if you’d read the texts coming from several of my friends while this occurred you might’ve wet your pants. It was a close call for me. 

I shared this story with my BFF as she was lost in a scary part of Chicago, where she was relatively certain she’d just seen a child prostitute. We struggled to determine which experience was worse. (No, not really, all you unfunny people) There are no pictures of this experience, just words. You’ll just have to forgive me/thank me later. That said….

We had a good weekend. Tommy had to work a lot, but I enjoyed a lot of time with Abi Kate, just the two of us. Sunday was busy and filled with church and then a visit to Mimi and Papa’s house that evening (though really, the cats are giving you guys a run for your money in terms of whose most important…). I was going to the zoo early the next morning with one of my best friends and her little girls. My gas light had come on as we’d driven to my parents’ from church that night. I went back and forth about stopping for gas because I was tired. I just wanted to go home and put on comfy clothes and lay on the couch. But, at the last minute, I figured it would save me time in the morning (in which I would SURELY be rushed). So, I pulled into the gas station about a mile down from our house. This. Was. A. Mistake.

I pulled into Pump #1. Another mistake. Tommy ran in to get a drink and to pay for gas, saying he’d be right back to pump. I said, “No. I can pump gas. I’ll just use the debit card. It’ll be faster that way. Don’t worry about it.” Third mistake. So he runs in and I hop out. As I make my way over to the card swiper, I get the sense of something out of the corner of my eye. And dear LORD I’m so glad I caught it. I look down and my foot is literally an inch away from a brown pile of mush. I think, “Nooo. That can’t be….” And look beside it to see another pile. And sweet Lord in heaven why did I begin to bend down to make sure I was looking at what I thought I was?!?! (I made SO many mistakes this night but this might’ve been my worst). And well, let’s just say I come face to face with human excrement at least three times a day, courtesy of the toddler in my house. And there was NO DOUBT what this was. Except, this was no kid poop. Oh no. And as I looked a little further down, what did I see, but a wipe… what looked to be an Armor-All wipe. I think I screamed something like, “OH MY SOUL! Savages!!!!” and flew back into my car. I am unashamed to admit that I silently hoped that the chemicals from that wipe were tearing up the culprit’s rear end… I literally tore into another spot as fast as I could, hoping that Abi Kate wasn’t scarred for life (like I am now). I was so befuddled that I pulled into a spot with my gas tank on the other side. This was about the time that Tommy strolled back outside…. And was like, “Honey, what are you doing? That’s not going to work.” I’m relatively certain I screamed, “SOMEONE TOOK A DUMPAT THE PUMP!”  I know I looked like I was in complete hysterics. It is because I was. In the moment I felt like we were having this odd communication failure. Like he wasn’t quite understanding the severity of this.  He was so chill at about the whole thing. Like it’s the most natural thing in the world to poop wherever. On The Ground. In Public. WHERE PEOPLE (namely me!) STEP! And God love his heart because his first response besides just plain calm was, “You didn’t step in it did you?” (Because God is a gracious God, I did not step in that terrible horrible no good very bad thing. I do not care how much I love those Yellow Box flip flops. They would’ve been in the trash faster than a flea on a dog.) Tommy is still being calm and cavalier about this and I really just think it’s because he didn’t have to see/smell the very bad thing. There are some things you just can’t come back from-- like being face to face with a stranger’s dump. I told him he had to go inside and tell the gas station attendant, and he was like “Nah. It’s ok. It’ll just go away.” WHAT?!  Trust me. I do poop all day. It doesn’t just go away. Anyway, he went on inside to talk to this man. And honestly, there is an entire back story about this particular gas station and particular station attendant that involves our first married Thanksgiving together and an uncomfortable holiday invitation, but I will skip all of that. And also please know that I am not even slightly aiming to be politically correct here, so if my geographical clumping offends you, feel free to go drive to Pump #1 and I promise the sight there will offend you wwwaaayy more than my stereotypical language. The attendant is Middle Eastern and doesn’t speak great English. Tommy walked in and told him, “Dude. Somebody took a dump at pump #1” to which this man replies smiling, “Oh yes. This good? Yeah?” Clearly, friend is NOT getting the picture. Tommy’s reponse, “No. Not good. Took. A. Dump” as he mimicks pulling down his pants… (This alone kept me laughing for a good hour). Meanwhile, I am texting this entire scenario to 3 friends and every one of them said the same thing at first, “OMG! WHO WOULD DO THAT?!” Who indeed.

We drove home and it became slightly less mortifying and more funny. Slightly.

 We put Abi Kate in some jammies, and she took off running to her new favorite place (I’d like to suggest that it is her "safe place" and she was recovering just like her Momma from the terrible horrible no good very bad thing. I cannot be the only one scarred from this). She loves hiding behind her glider and reading books. We told her she could have 5 minutes to read, and I went to our bedroom to change into my comfy clothes. I mean really, that’s all I wanted ALL ALONG. I turned on the monitor out of habit and what do I hear, but her reading this story to herself. “Oh No! Blue!” If you’ve read Pete the Cat: I Love My White Shoes, you’ll understand…

I snuck in to watch her… and felt slightly redeemed. Like maybe the poo was just a bad dream….

All’s well that ends well, right?!

 Please note that my gas light came on this morning as I was driving down the same road. I weighed my options. As I passed the scary place where “it” happened, I glanced at pump #1. There. Are. Stains. Oh yes. I may never be the same again. 

In Which This is Saving My Life Right Now

I came across this blog a few weeks ago. The concept of it and the words filled me up. Maybe because my life saving moment was similar to the original poster’s. Or maybe because she quoted the song that has lived in my heart the last 4 weeks, making my soul move to its rhythm and breathe in its words. Or maybe because her writing elicited a deep emotional response in me as most things seem to do these days. For whatever reason, her urge for her readers to consider and write out their own life saving moments stuck with me….

“And we know that God works all things together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28  This verse. The verse I have known for so many years, have quoted so many times. It is saving me. So many times a day, over and over again. The things that happen in this life, they are not always good. This world that we live in, it is coming undone. Even creation, as it groans and waits for redemption, groaning as with the pains of childbirth. I know that pain intimately. Those deep, guttural groans as you wait for the close. The brokenness of this world can and does flow into our lives. Into my life. I have struggled and wrestled for almost three months, working out my faith with literal fear and physical trembling. And in the last 10 days, this verse is what has been laid on my heart, over and over again by the Spirit. The brokenness that happens in our lives as a result of sin entering the world so long ago-- that is not good. But the work the Spirit completes in us through those hard events-- THAT is the good. And oh, how sweet that realization has been. The reminder that God brings life through death. It is the gospel pattern playing out in my life. The bitter death we tasted in May, it was the antithesis of good. But the life He has brought to us through that death, the deepening of our faith, solidifying our rest in Him-- it is so good. Sitting in class on Sunday morning, hearing this message repeated again after hearing it whispered all week in my heart-- it was confirmation for me. This verse, the gospel that persists past salvation, bringing me into a deeper understanding of the rescuing love of Jesus… it is literally saving my life right now.

And these quiet moments with my daughter. Nursing her in the quiet of the morning. Sleepy eyes and her daddy’s long lashes. The war I have waged against myself, certain that my body is broken when I was once so confident in my body’s design-- these moments with her undo that lie. No broken body could carry such a healthy baby, could so efficiently birth her with gentleness. No broken body could produce such a precious intelligent child. No broken body could literally sustain her life and health for so long…18 and a half months. In these moments, I am completely certain of my divine design. In these moments, there are no questions. I am completely confident in my decision and my capabilities. She is completely certain of me in these moments-- there are no judgments of my character, no “helpful” words or intrusive statements. There is just us, giving everything I can to benefit her.  And in these quiet moments with her, fewer and far between these days, the Spirit speaks love over me… He created my inmost being…I am fearfully and wonderfully made. This body, His creation, it is not broken. It was knit together  in His perfection. And as I nurse my sweet girl, the enemy’s lies simply fall to the wayside, exposed as the deceptions they are. These moments with her, however much longer they last, they are saving my life right now.

These two things, tangible and intangible, calling me outside of myself and into the heart of the Father...

You are all glorious. My heart leans in. My soul must sing. You are all glorious.

Where Peace Abides

Life has been loud for me lately. From the ongoings of our world to the opinions of others. My thoughts have been loud. My heart has been unsettled. Even social media has had a lot of volume. (I’m not suggesting anything people should post and not post. Your page, your choice. It’s just, overall, been loud). Sometimes even the things that aren’t said, actions left undone-they have shouted through the silence. And honestly, I am exhausted. Worn down from over analyzing, emotionally spent from thinking and feeling, and craving deep solitude.  I’ve found myself in a new place in life, and in this new place I literally hunger for the peace of Christ. It is a good place, this new season. It’s been filled with more challenges than ever before but the victories have tasted sweeter than ever before. 

I have such a tendency to dwell. To linger. To toil over people, circumstances, and situations that I have no control over. It’s usually unprofitable for me, causing me only to despair and not leaving me with much more clarity than I entered with. So, I’ve found myself choosing to settle my thoughts on the beauty and sweet moments in this life. It’s not that I don’t continue to struggle to bring my thoughts and emotions under control. I do. Thankfulness has simply offered me rest in the moment. It has reminded me to take captive every thought & make it obedient to Christ.

So while the noise around me has continued, I’ve found the quiet in gratefulness for:

• The sound of toddler feet running through my house
• Hearts that are responsive to the Spirit’s leading
• The tender reminder from a friend that God does remember me
• Holistic healing
• Finding myself still hemmed in by the patient love of those who have suffered well with me
• Relaxing naps
• Easy days
• Shopping for girly fall clothes
• Really good coffee
• Forgiveness & restored relationship
• Celebrating the sweet lives of friends’ children
• Days spent with Tommy at home
• Friendships that pick up where they left off
• Hearing “Tank too, Momma” multiple times a day (aka Thank you, Momma)
• The gospel poured out over my life
• Family that loves and doesn’t divide
• Sharing life with others
• Good worship music courtesy of my sister
• The knowledge that what is fractured will one day be made completely new & right as Heaven comes to earth
• Late night conversations on the couch
• The life-giving power of Scripture
• Watching my little girl enjoy the company of others
• The anticipation of Fall’s arrival
• Having a husband who is rooted in the assurance of good things in our lives

Big things and small things. Some important and some not, yet all equally capable of providing reprieve and solace. As I walk through these days, I hope this is where I choose to dwell….in the quiet, where peace abides.