Friday, March 16, 2012

In With the New...

I feel like I've been vying between sadness and frustration within the last week, mostly at myself. I’m not completely sure why. Nothing big has happened. No great changes have come my way. Maybe it’s just several small things that I’ve spent far too much time dwelling on. Mostly, I’ve just felt a bit discouraged. And I suppose that’s to be expected. Relationships are sticky and messy. They’re rarely linear or stagnant in fashion, and I’ve never been one to enjoy change-- change in circumstance or change in relationships. (P.S. Have no fear- this has nothing to do with my hubs. He’s got my heart all wrapped up in too many ways to explain). There’s been no dissolution of friendships or acquaintances. Truly nothing notable. It’s mostly been me overanalyzing things in my mind. I’m an interpreter by nature, often overly sensitive, and I’ll spend too much time considering what could be. And it hasn’t just been people, it’s been considering futuristic things-- investments of time and money and long term commitments. And honestly, I think on the whole these things have just held me captive emotionally. Go ahead and add “easily overwhelmed” to the growing list of traits that aren’t so fantastic about me. And I’ve officially become an old woman who can’t seem to adapt to time change either. It’s taken me days to get my sleeping patterns back to normal after Daylight Savings. Lack of sleep coupled with emotionalism is never a great combo for me.

So, I guess I’ve just been consumed. Distracted. With myself. My thoughts. My concerns. Yet another fantastic trait…… But in the beginning of the week, the weather started changing. Sunshine and cool breezes. New blooms on plants and green grass gaining vitality. All of it just quietly ushering in Spring. Abi Kate and I spent the days outdoors and it was so good for my soul. Good for my heart. I could feel the stirrings of growth. And as I watched all of the things in my own yard changing, I stopped dwelling on myself and things I haven’t been able to figure out. My focus was shifted to the goodness of God. His Creation. Growing right in front of me. And I don’t just mean the flower bushes that are miraculously budding in spite of my very black thumb.

She was so sweet to watch in a new experience-- playing outside without shoes, exploring the grass, toddling around.

She giggled and was surprised at the things she touched and felt. She is often pensive in new situations as she tries to figure things out. She’s still surprised at her new mobility and gains so much joy from walking quickly towards something she longs after. And this time, that something was me.

I prayed while we played. Chose to be present in these sweet moments instead of being caught up with myself.

Sister can kill some oranges.... it's like she's afraid scurvy is lurking right around the corner.

And when we went inside, I spent some time reading and in prayer. Abi spent some time cooling off...

I don’t normally stick with one devotional. I use a mishmash of things. Funny the book I that I grabbed expounded on John 16, about not becoming overwhelmed by life’s circumstances. Appropriate, no? I can’t dictate the changes in relationships with others, can’t alter their view of me, can’t control the response of other people. (And truthfully, if I’d get my eyes off myself and stop being concerned about what I can do in and of myself, the struggle would probably end.) I cannot see into the future and know that certain decisions are better than another choice. That’s hard for me. But I can have faith, and gain joy in my current circumstances. I don’t have to be overwhelmed by new experiences or changes in current conditions-- if my sweet baby girl isn’t, why should I be? She didn’t sit down on the concrete and refuse to go anywhere because it was new and she preferred to stay where she was comfortable. She stood her little self up and went exploring. Some things she liked and some things she didn't. But it didn't stop her from going out into winter's leftover grass, prickly and rough, and seeking out Spring's clover over and over again. Once again, I guess I ought to take a lesson from the little girl who only stands about 2 feet tall and weighs all of 21 pounds, who giggles when she’s chased and embraces newness as something to learn about not something to mourn. She teaches me much. And my heart just spills over from being so filled up with her. The longer she’s with us, the more I’m convinced she was sent so that Christ might disciple me. So today I’m thankful for present moments, quiet learning, and changing seasons both outdoors and within my life, even when the latter shakes me. And I’m thankful for the angel baby that makes me laugh and cry, think and grow all at the same time.


  1. I Love this!
    Every time I tell someone I want to stay home after having babies, I get "But you'll go crazy without the adult interaction" and "You'll see... it's not what you think."
    I love reading your blog, period. But I especially love reading it because I have similar thoughts and opinions on some of these things... and apparently that's weird.
    <3 you!

    1. Thanks! Cheers to similarities! :) I can't say for certain since I'm not you, but I highly doubt you'll go crazy or miss adult interaction. I talk to adults all the time. You just find friends who stay home, too. You could always come hang out with us! :)