Tea for TWO!

I had really good intentions of a follow-up post, a real one, after the last one filled with ridiculousness. But, it’s like the universe read that post and said, “Oh really, Katie? You thought that was a big deal?” So, promptly the following Monday I had to get a new tire after running over a bolt. Later that day, our laptop stopped working and we took it in assuming it would be a quick fix only to find out that the motherboard was gone and we needed a new computer altogether. And one other crazy thing that now escapes me happened that week, too. I’ve lost track of the crazy. My sister offered us her laptop for the following week until we could get to Best Buy one night and go buy a new one. Even that plan got thwarted…which you will get to read about ;)  But, the positive in all this is that I have Rachel’s laptop, and with it comes Rachel’s music. And that is a very good thing. 

That following week, we were gearing up for Abi Kate’s birthday party, so every night we had something to drop off or pick up or get together. I’m not a great party planner, but I really love putting her birthday parties together. Even when in the preceeding days I’m stressed that everything won’t come together. I was so excited for her party this year because it is the first year she had an understanding of what was going on.

In the months before her birthday, she started making “tea” and “coffee” every day, multiple times a day for us. That prompted me to decide that she should have a tea party for her second birthday. The week of her party, anytime she opened saw something with tea cups or tea pots she’d say, “Tea Party!!” I think I was equally as excited as she was for this party. This is also the first year that she has an understanding of friendship. She loves her little friends, and asks for them usually once a day if not more, by name. I couldn’t wait for her to have them all in one place together. 

 Kid's Food Table/ Birthday Book "Sign-in"

 Tea Party table

 All the little girls really did sit down and eat together! And drink "tea" (aka apple juice) together out of their little tea cups! So sweet!

 Our 2 year old!

 Friends!

 Blowing out candles :)

 Playing...

 And snacking...

 And lovin'...

Tea for two and two for tea!

We had the kitchen for the girls to cook in, dress up, and the big slide my parents got her for Christmas. There were so many fairies and beads and tea cups and squeals as they took turns going down the slide I almost couldn’t stand it-- and I mean because I loved it so much. She was completely taken with her little friends and playing with them and it was such a fun time just to watch her enjoy. I could’ve cried just watching her. She’s evolved from this little baby into this little girl with a big personality, full of extremes in her emotion like her Momma and full of her Daddy’s mannerisms and soft heart. She has the ability to wear me out and melt my heart all within a 2 minute span of each other. 

I was so thankful for the people in that room (and a few that were missing, too). They know her and they know us. They know that she isn’t a perfect child and they know that we aren’t perfect parents, and they just keep on loving her and loving us anyway. They keep investing in us and in her, choosing to dwell on the good things she does and we do, encouraging us as we parent her and encouraging her when they see Abi Kate growing. They have stayed near to us in hard times this year and genuinely celebrated the happy times with us. Their children have invested in her, playing with her and setting examples for her to learn from. To be surrounded in a room full of people like that… it is good. Abi Kate has learned in this year what friendship is at its most simplistic level. What it means to spend time with others and to put others first. She’s seen what it means to be the offender, to be forgiven , and to have restored relationship-- kids are so good at that. She’s learned what it is to forgive others-- kids are good at that, too. Funny how forgiveness, true forgiveness- the kind that fully releases the offense and returns immediately to loving the offender-- happens so easily in the hearts of little ones yet becomes so much harder as we get older, or at least to me. It seems outlandish that such big things would be learned at such a young age, but I'm certain they are. I've learned much about my own weaknesses from watching her...and it makes me want to press harder into Jesus so I can love all people that way, easily and simply. I am so deeply thankful that she is growing up in the knowledge of what it is to be a friend and to have friends and to keep them-- that others have given her that opportunity. There are a lot of things we hope for Abi Kate, and one of those things is that she would be a lover of people. I sat on the couch, and looked around at the adults and the kids, and felt so grateful that these people both big and little have placed themselves in her life so that she could learn those things, and moreover that she could apply them, in ways that I often struggle to as an adult. 

Last year it was really emotional to see her turn 1. There’s just something about that first birthday as a mom I think. This year, I thought about the two days before… one of the best text messages ever received from my doula- “Don’t have sex tonight, ok? Tell Tommy I’m sorry.” It had snowed earlier that day and she was iced in on back roads. I laughed when I remembered that. I thought about the day before, cleaning my house and watching movies with Tommy- the sweet solitude and the ease of spontaneity--savoring the last day of just “us,” though we didn't realize it at the time.  I even told him, “Babe can you believe 2 years ago today it was just us two?!” I thought of that night, the realization that she was probably coming in a few hours. And I of course, thought of the moment that my midwife handed me her warm little body, breathing her in, and the breath-taking realization that she looked exactly like her Daddy. I thought of all our moments of parenting her within this last year-- the hard ones and the easy ones. The shifts that took place in our family and the ways that she softened the hurts and made the sweetest moments sweeter. And I thought about the future-- what she will learn as a two year old, how she will become a big sister in this year. I still cried when we laid her in her bed that night, realizing that another year with her has passed. She rolled over in her crib and waved goodnight, snuggled her Minnie Mouse. She’s so grown and yet so little and I just wanted to soak in those moments because I know they will pass with an intensity that I could never be prepared for. 

Snuggling my big girl before nap time after her party

 Her birthday morning, ready for church & a little bit extra ;)

The days before her party I felt this recurrent need to just pray over Abi Kate’s health. So, I did. I prayed that she would stay healthy through the weekend and through her birthday so she could just fully enjoy them. She did. And sure enough, the night after her birthday, I woke up at 4:30 am to hear her in the monitor saying, “Oh my goodness. I need wash hands!” I didn’t think anything of it at first because she talks in her sleep, it’s not odd for her to talk or jibber in the middle of the night and go right back to sleep. But she repeated this statement and then added, “I need wash mouth! I need drink!” I just thought she had woken up and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I went into her room and sure enough-- vomit. Her first stomach virus. At least we made it to age 2? And bless her, she DID need to wash her hands and mouth-- and she definitely needed a drink and new jammies and new sheets. I was doing good cleaning up, and then my body remembered I was pregnant and I started gagging, so I called out for Tommy. We cleaned her up and laid her back down, both mentioning that we felt kind of queasy too and maybe it was just the dinner we ate. At 6:00, we woke up to the same, “I need wash hands! I need drink!” I was still nauseated, but let’s be honest, that’s just par for the course for me. But by midday, Tommy and I were both sick. As were various other friends from her birthday party, everyone’s sickness beginning within about 5 hours of each other-- 4 kids and 6 adults… lovely. Come on down to Abi Kate’s party, make sure you take a tea pot cookie, a balloon, and a little bit of norovirus as a parting gift! :/ She definitely shares her Daddy’s immune system (thank God he passed that on)-- she got sick those two times and that was it, though her appetite took about 3 days to return. She is SO much more resilient than me.  It seemed the majority’s lasted between 48-72 hours. Today is Thursday. It is the first day I have felt like a regular person since Sunday. The awful sickness stopped after 24 hours but the remains just hung around. I do not recommend getting a stomach virus while pregnant. Ever. Around 8 pm I started to get nervous that I was dehydrated. I hadn’t been able to keep any food down (the 4 saltines that I tried) and I couldn’t keep any liquids down. And the Braxton Hicks contractions were becoming a bit more, “Ow. That really hurt.” Abram was moving all around, more than he ever does--but I started to get a little freaked out nonetheless.

You know how when you’re caught up in a moment it feels really big and way more serious than it is-- like for example, I was certain I was going to die on the floor of the bathroom. So there I am, certain that death is imminent, and pretty dang sure I was headed towards dehydration-- and all the images of the NICU and IV lines and hospitals started popping up in my head. I texted Gaylea, my doula/midwife assistant, because, well-- I think she knows my freak-out level well enough by now to not be surprised… I asked her if there was anything to be concerned about, and sure enough she confirmed the contractions… and also reminded me of a few things to try. Am I the only one who responds really poorly to being  “in the moment?” Like I forget everything I’ve ever learned about pregnancy and should do?! (Clearly, I am NOT the person you want near your side in a serious situation. I’ve proven that I will just stand there and freak out. At least when the situation pertains to me.) Thank God for wise care givers and for my sister who ran to the store for coconut water and Epsom salts and dropped them on my porch. Much as I hate it, that coconut water stayed down and the bath helped too. The next day, I ate ¼ of a piece of dry toast around 11:00. And my sweet little Abram who had been moving and kicking non-stop finally settled down… He was hungry, people! How sad is that?! Starving my baby before he even arrives! (This also taught me that when he does arrive and when he’s hungry, I better be ready to feed little brother right then… I don’t need to be waiting around and taking my sweet time-- he doesn’t appreciate that. When he needs to eat, he needs to eat.)

It’s been a fun few weeks in our house ;) I think everything is finally settling down a bit-- at least for the moment. I’ve done a terrible job documenting Abram’s pregnancy and I have full intentions of doing a much more sufficient job of that in my third trimester, which is only a few days away… My word.

But here's a really fabulous 27-week shot for you Tommy took while I was putting shoes on for church... He's a looowww rider...

 All in all, we’ve had a busy but great month. I can’t believe we have a two year old little girl and that we’re on the downhill slide to meeting our little boy. It’s one of those moments to stop and soak in… because this season will be past all too soon…

The Big-Foot Yeti

This week has been, in one word: Whew. Nothing  big or important or even serious, just a lot of “my world is falling apart” moments that would probably feel less “falling apart-ish” if I weren’t pregnant. Really it was just dumb stuff, but we're all allowed to have those weeks, right? Good stuff happened this week too, like a fun play date with a friend (where Abi Kate proceeded to poop in her panties. Twice. Awesome.)  But just a week where I wouldn’t have cried if someone wanted to offer me an island getaway or something, or maybe even just new pipes….

I can pretty much sum up this week’s crazy to a comment from last week. Tommy got home from work and walked into the kitchen, where I was cooking dinner. He said, “Oh my gosh. It’s like seeing a big foot Yeti.” And me, “Huh?” And him, “You’re cooking!” Now ya’ll, he is not heartless. He was totally playing but he is so right! I am normally the cooker around here, though he is a great cook himself and is always happy to make dinner or whatever. But when I am pregnant, that pretty much goes down to nil. It’s been that way in all 3 of my pregnancies. Food aversions coupled with nausea with heavy fatigue just does not a beautiful combo make for dinner preparations. I always feel pretty bad about it, but it’s reality while a little person shares my body. That said, we had a good laugh and I kept hovering it over his head in the following days, which also was funny. ;) It did actually make me think for a minute, though…. And on Monday I decided that since I was feeling pretty good I had fewer excuses not to cook. I made our dinner plan for the week and told myself I was going to get busy in the kitchen. Oh the best laid plans...

On Wednesday, I decided to make apple butternut squash soup (which is fantastically delicious, perfect for cold gross weather, and also happens to be vegan friendly.) Abi Kate was riding the crazy train that evening and I was quickly trying to get everything mostly done so Tommy wouldn’t have to wait 100 years for dinner once he got home. That and I was starving myself. I peeled the butternut squash, and in a hurry and against my brain saying, “No no, Katie. Don’t you do that” I quickly smashed the peels down the disposal and flicked it on…. And it did great for a second and was then clearly super clogged. Lovely. Welcome home, honey.  

It took about an hour, but we were able to clear the clog. Happy faces. The following morning, when I went to unload the dishwasher from the previous night, there was standing water in the bottom of the dishwasher. I knew it was related to that dumb butternut squash (which Abi Kate hated with a fierce veracity by the way)…. I thought, no biggie. I read this could happen. It’s a quick fix. Fast forward to Friday where yes, the water is draining better though still not completely. It is SO COOL to shop-vac out your dishwasher a couple times a day. I HIGHLY suggest it. Stab. In addition to the washer, our shower and sink in the back bathroom that had been running slowly for about 2 days decided to completely stop draining on Thursday as well. I had to take a shower. Had to. I was taking dinner to a friend who just had a baby and my hair was beyond repair without a shower (and by the way, that baby might’ve been the best part about my week. Yay baby Ethan for your undeniable cuteness!!) I decided to shower in our front bathroom which is Abi Kate’s tub. I was in a hurry, so I didn’t have time to clean out the toys. It’s very fun to wash your hair while tippytoeing around 10 ducks, 2 turtles, 5 bathtime books, and a few pails. VERY fun. Try it. Also, try to make sure your center of balance is off with a baby in utero. That adds to the fun. All of that to say, we got the shower and the sink fixed that night and they decided that water should go down their drains. Hallelujah. That was until this morning when the front bathroom’s toilet decided to overflow. If I wasn’t convinced before, I am now 100% certain that the pipes in my house are all conspiring against me. And also, you know how in Harry Potter The Chamber of Secrets the basilisk is in the pipes and affects the kids…. Yes, that happened here too. The chaos in the pipes=chaos in my toddler. Not bad chaos, just crazy chaos. All in all, the garbage disposal is fixed, the toilet is fixed, the shower is fixed, and the bathroom sink is fixed. The toddler is funny and the dishwasher…. He will probably have a date with Mr. Workman if Tommy can’t correct it tonight. And really, people, ALL of this stemming from that dumb squash, which was a result of me being a Yeti. Each of these events isolated probably wouldn’t have been a big deal. All of them within 48 hours of each other…. Less than stellar. I officially hate myself. And squashes. And cooking dinner. It may not happen again until May. Welcome back, big footed Yeti.

All of that to say, I needed some giggles. Like hard hahahahaha laughing. I was reading a blog where she mentioned in a link something about her random funnies. I clicked on this link and it took me to a Pinterest board. I am not a Pinterester-- shameful, I know. Well, technically I am, I guess. I do have an account that I created when it first came out, but the one time I got on it I couldn’t figure out the boards and just haven’t tried again since those 2 years ago. I do see people post really cool stuff on Facebook from it and I will click on it and think, “Ooo! I like that” and I will look at their boards of pins. And that’s about as far as my pinteresting goes (It has now become an acceptable verb, right?). You have probably seen these. Possibly all of them, especially if you’re on Pinterest. But they were new to me. And besides baby Ethan’s little ball of goodness and most beautiful baby hair on the planet, I think THIS has been my favorite part of the week…. If you need a laugh because your week has been full of the crazies like mine, this is also for you…(I promise to write a real post in the near future, but until then....)

Yes, Google. Yes it does.

 Oh my gosh. This is still so funny. I can't stop laughing while I post this.

Not everyone has a Harry Potter complex like we do. And not everyone knows all the lines of Mean Girls like myself (and my hubs) do.... But if you fit that combo.... We were both sobbing while reading this. Tears of Laughter.  

 This could be you, Mom. Don't lie. ;)

Coming to a mailbox near you as a part of Abram's birth announcement.... 

Or maybe you'd prefer this one? Not creepy. At all. I know you are DYING to see my stretch marks. Nothing says newborn love like a gun and a bare belly.

And last but not least, my absolute favorite.... The one that made me miss my little friends and their pure hilarity...

You are welcome.

Out With the Old

It’s hard to believe this year will end and a new one will begin in a few hours. The older I get the more impressed I am by the shockingly quick passage of time. I feel sure I could wake up tomorrow and be 56 instead of 26.  It’s funny to look back and see how New Year Celebrations have changed. We’ve often celebrated with a friend who has a New Year birthday; and despite the best laid plans, I’m writing this and bringing in 2013 from our couch, gingerale & peppermint nearby instead of “birthday-ing” with her-- a sign of the season of life I’m in if ever there was one.

We had a great Christmas. Watching your child adore a gift you slaved over is just about the coolest thing. Tommy and I don’t rock at putting things together, so her little wooden kitchen was a task. It was funny and we had a good time laughing at ourselves, particularly because when things didn’t work it was always a result of me having touched it… Really though, Santa should definitely consider learning the word “Pre-assembled…” 

 When she came out into the living room on Christmas morning and saw her kitchen, she ran over, started flinging the doors open and said, "I cookin!"

 Taking a time out from cooking with some stocking stuffers 

And right back at it later that evening

Sadly, Abi Kate and I were both sick on Christmas. Her little voice was so hoarse it was hard to understand her at times when she was talking. Pitiful. I was so congested that I could not taste any food on Christmas Day. (That is so sad. Too sad for words.) It really didn’t seem to phase her too much. I’m the whiney one. I don’t like being sick period. I definitely do not enjoy it when pregnant. Since I’ve been either pregnant or breastfeeding for almost 3 years now (Wow…nothing will make you feel more “mom-ish” than that realization), I’m limited in what I will take to treat sickness. Even before pregnancy, I’ve preferred to lean towards the side of natural cures that boost my immune system. But I’m telling you, if I hadn’t been pregnant this last time I would’ve been racing for the chemicals. I would’ve happily taken stock in Nyquil, Tylenol Cold, and anything else that would put me out of my misery. Tommy and I are both believers in orthomolecular medicine, though admittedly he knows a lot more about it than I do. Unfortunately, neither he nor I have been able to find a lot of consistent research about vitamin dosage at therapeutic levels for pregnancy, so… cuts that out. For me, “natural” doesn’t automatically equal “safe,” so I’m also pickier about the herbal and homeopathic treatments I’d normally use when not pregnant, meaning that most of my “aces” for quick natural healing were kind of wiped out….Huge bummer. All of that to say, it takes longer to get better and I’m not patient. I downed copious amounts of Bragg’s Apple Cider Vinegar, which I hate with every ounce of my being. I fully believe in its benefits & so desperately want to be one of the people that likes that stuff so much, but it’s not in me. I literally talk to myself out loud, telling myself why I’m taking it before swallowing a shot and chasing it with orange juice or something to mask the awful flavor. (With Tommy standing by saying, “You should probably do another one…” WHAT?!) I drilled through the rest of our local honey and part of a container of raw honey, mixing it with cinnamon. You’re welcome bees, I just kept you in business another year. We juiced, I smelled like a walking poster for Eucalyptus oil and Vicks, and the Sinus Rinse people made money off of me again. I did so much lymphatic drainage massage on my neck/head that my fingers were worn out. It went away after a few days, I could taste again (hallelujah), and if I were really honest with myself, then I’d happily acknowledge that it lasted a shorter time and was less severe than sinus infections that I used to treat with medication….But I’m not being honest with myself (probably because I can still taste that ACV), so I would love to find the person who passed that nastiness off to us, no doubt while I was out Christmas shopping.  So with the exception of the sickies, our Christmas was wonderful. ;)

I will say the day after Christmas takes on a whole new meaning after becoming a parent…. You know, finding homes for all the new toys that have arrived in your house. Back in November, we went through her toys, clearing out things and packing away toys she no longer uses for Abram. Still, it was a bit of a task. And the cardboard… I took 3 huge boxes filled with cardboard to recycling two days later. It’s well worth it to watch her discover a new toy in the basket or the spend hours in her little kitchen. And now when I’m picking up toys, at least there are new ones to look at ;)

We really had a fantastic holiday season and like most people, the ending of the year has made me think on all that has passed. This year brought us a lot of things. A lot of good and a lot bad. It has been, easily, one of the hardest years of my life. I’ve shared publicly a lot of the hurts, but many of them I have not. So, I can’t say I’m sad to close the door on 2012. I won’t pretend that I’m not eager to look into a fresh beginning. I know tomorrow is really just another day, another square on a calendar dictated by human constraints of time. But I’m letting it be a day where hope and ancitipation begin anew.

At the very beginning of this year, Abi Kate wasn’t even a year old yet. Incredible what 12 months will do to a child. This year brought us her first steps. It brought the arrival of her rather intense personality. It welcomed with it her desire to talk about everything and sing endlessly. She plays purposefully now with her friends and asks for them by name when we aren’t with them. She weaned herself this year, nursing for the last time at 21 months. She couldn’t use food utensils at the beginning of the year, and now she uses them effortlessly (and often inappropriately if we’re being honest…. Yogurt isn’t paint, sister.) She uses the potty now during waking hours about 85% of the time (though she could definitely use a heart to heart about why pooping in the potty is equally as cool as peeing in the potty….yowza). It’s hard to imagine all of that happened in just 12 months… Seriously, think back to where your kid was on January 1, 2012 versus where they are now. It’ll blow your mind.

This year brought us the knowledge and excitement of pregnancy. It brought us the devastation of losing that baby. It brought us renewed hope of new life once again a few months later. It brought us the news that our household will no longer be outnumbered by the girls. It brought health challenges and scares for family members. It welcomed new friends into the fold of our lives. It fostered friendships that were already present into deeper, more meaningful relationships. It brought big changes in our lives spiritually. It grew us in character as individuals and as a couple. It connected us even more tightly to each other.With ups and downs, the Lord has brought purpose and established a greater sense of gratefulness. So there’s been a lot of good, and a lot of good that has come from the not-so-good.

Tommy and I are both goal-oriented people, so we regularly talk about things we hope to achieve or want to work towards. The New Year doesn’t really change that. But we are both anticipating this new year--looking forward to seeing our baby girl turn two, walking through the remainder of this pregnancy together so we can meet our son, who is quickly becoming the topic of many conversations in our home. We’re anticipating the many changes that will occur as we learn to parent two children instead of one, of watching our little girl take on the role of big sister. I’m anticipating this next year to be a season of continued vulnerability in my life, where Christ makes beautiful the ugly parts of my heart and continues to bring restoration to the broken parts. And I am hopeful, so hopeful, for these things because of Christ’s willingness to become Emmanuel…

Ann Voskamp, poetic as ever, wrote this a few days ago. It captured the essence of how I feel about this next year, so I will let her words speak for me…

“God comes to the edges. He intimately knows the muck of my lives, the stench I try to mask. And this is the thing: He chooses my dirty places, the places that shame me, as His point of entry. The lights celebrating the birth of the Christ Child — God with us — they’re still flickering as we look into the New Year — a new us…. I feel this happy relief: The New Year only has hope because Christmas happened out in a dung heap.”

Happy New Year friends. I hope yours is filled with overwhelming goodness.

12.12.12

Today is a hard day. Not because of anything that happened but because of what didn’t. Today, I should’ve felt the pain of contractions wrap around my body. I should’ve been on my knees surrendering to their power. Or I should’ve been in the hazy, restless days of early postpartum. Overwhelmed by my new responsibilities, nursing a babe into the earliest hours of the morning. Or I should’ve been still waiting, no doubt impatiently, for those undeniable signs that a baby was on the way. Feeling that baby inside, nothing but knees and elbows at this point, praying that God would bring her soon.

None of that happened today. Today, I played “making coffee” with my toddler. I danced with her as  she successfully ran to the potty. I made lunch and did laundry. The makings of a normal day. Except my heart has felt far from normal.

Even outside of myself, today holds significance for other people. 12. 12. 12. The last day of repetition in this century. 12:12 pm on 12. 12. 12.  But for me, today is the due date that would have been.

It’s funny the way things change in us, in our lives and in our hearts. I remember embarking upon our new life together, planning our wedding and our future simultaneously. I remember how we had things laid out so perfectly, where we would live and where we would work. When our babies would come and how life would look. Everything was idyllic. So perfect it almost sparkled with possibility. And in honesty, much of that has come to pass. Some of it hasn’t. No one factors in the sadness or the unexpected into their future. Yet, that has unfolded in our lives too, in spite of all our “perfect” plans.

I’ve thought a lot about that tiny little body I held in the palm of my hand for only a few minutes. I thought of who she would’ve been, what she would’ve looked like, how her presence in our home would’ve molded our family into a new unit. What’s interesting is that she didn’t need to be here long to change us in deep and permanent ways. I’ve often heard a statement something to the effect of, “But if I’d had that baby, I couldn’t have the one that I do now. So I know that loss was for the best.” You won’t hear me say that. I’ve stopped trying to explain away miscarriage and loss to myself. Those statements are just earthly reasonings for things we don’t understand, and I’ve come to a place of peace with simply not knowing why.  And while yes, it is true, that logistically I could not carry her and Abram simultaneously, it does not undo the connection that my heart will always feel to her life. Always. She is not the sacrifice that allowed us Abram. She is the life that lives in only our hearts for now.

I feel differently about things than I did 6 months ago. My heart has changed towards those experiencing pain I haven’t.  I’ve learned to live more purposefully inside my redemption, not hiding the parts of my faith that are weak, being open about my struggles, and recognizing that the only times I’ve responded appropriately is purely and fully the power of the Holy Spirit inside me, never because my faith is strong or because I “chose” to respond in a righteous way. I’ve more fully understood the origins of my own redemption, which has allowed my heart to embrace mercy for others as it should. I’ve come to understand more deeply the role of the sovereignty of God in the face of suffering. I have found peace in the fact that no one stole her from us. No one snatched her from me while I was not looking. I do believe that death results because of the brokenness of humanity and that death was not a part of God’s original plan, but I also believe that God knew the number of her days and ordained those moments for His glory, even the suffering that we have experienced as a result. He is capable of using all things for His glory. Though I continue to struggle and wrestle with it regularly, I’m coming to terms with the purpose of my life being used solely for His glory, even when that means hard things in this life.

More than anything, I have arrived at a place where I have hungered for Christ to return and make things whole in a way that I never have before. As I’ve tasted the death and brokenness of this world, I have longed for completion in a fresh way. Where the sting of death doesn’t exist, where relationships are fostered in deep harmony. My heart has yearned for the halves to be made whole, for the fissures of separation to be covered so fully it’s as if they were never fractured. In its simplest form, my heart has said, “Come, Lord Jesus. Please come. Bring heaven to earth.”

So, today didn’t go as I planned, but there is rest in the knowledge that it went exactly as He planned. I messaged a friend at the beginning of the week asking her to please pray for me. As this day has approached, I have struggled hard especially the last two weeks with heavy emotion and a heavy heart. Having lived this herself, I felt she would understand me fully. And she did. More importantly, she reminded me of our future-- that yes, the last time I held her she laid still in my hand; but the next time I hold her, she will burst forth with life. This life is not the end. How fitting that today, my Christmas devotional would be about the purpose of Christ’s arrival. Piper wrote, “So we are free from the fear of death. God has justified us. Satan cannot overturn that decree. And God means for our ultimate safety to have an immediate effect on our lives. He means for the happy ending to take away the slavery and fear of the now.” While I am reminded today of her absence, I am also reminded of her presence-- that the verse we chose for her Psalm 27:4, is fully manifested in her life. And that one day, it will unfold in my life as well.

I woke at 4:30 this morning and immediately remembered what today meant for us. I laid in bed, overcome by sadness and hard memories that I don’t like to relive. Somehow, my little girl woke up at 4:30 too, something she never does, and I heard her singing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” to herself in her crib through the monitor for 20 minutes before she simply drifted back asleep. Simultaneously, my little boy who is always still inside me in the morning, started kicking and moving around as I laid perfectly still and listened to his sister sing, reminding me of his presence and his health. Their very presence filled me and reminded me … God sees and hears the hearts of His children, even when they hurt at 4:30 in the morning. And He not only sees and hears, He responds--in the most tender ways, bringing the comfort we don’t realize we need that is nothing short of divine.   “As for God, His way is perfect…” Psalm 18:30

Puddles and puddles and piles... Oh my.

There have been a lot of puddles and piles in our house in the last week. Lots of different kinds of puddles and piles, too.  We went and cut down our Christmas tree a few days after Thanksgiving. It was incredible the difference between Abi Kate at this time last year verses this year. She wanted to run through trees, touch them and smell them, she wanted to help with the saw… (um, no). The first real tree that I had (or that I can remember) was our first married Christmas. So, we’ve continued to cut one down every year. Walking through the rows always makes me feel like the Christmas season is officially here. Abi Kate insisted that they were Halloween trees, saying “tick or teat” as we walked through the fields (Promise I didn’t forget the r’s… she omits that sound). That is until we lit up the lights on the tree at home and she whispered, “Kiss-mas!” Precious.

 Bye, guys! 

 Abram came too ;)

 Clearly we don't get out much. Sorry babe! ;o

 First sip of hot chocolate :)

We got the tree home and our first puddle happened-- you know where you fill the tree stand up with water and miss?! And then the small pile of needles after it’s placed in the tree and lights are put on and it’s finally finished. We chose a different type of tree than we’ve ever cut before. While I happen to like this tree, I discovered once I started to put the lights on that it has thorns on the inner branches! Oh my soul. I put on long sleeves and gloves to protect my delicate skin ;) And afterwards, we sat with the overhead lights off and just the twinkling Christmas tree lights on…. That feels like Christmas, too.

 Helping Momma with the lights (See my gloves?!)

 She kept finding random pieces of tape and putting them on her chin-- Santa?!

We also started our Jesse tree, a new tradition for us. I wanted to do one with her last year, but I knew she was really too young to participate. So last year, we read the Christmas story and talked to her about it. There are so many cool ways to do a Jesse tree, but I wanted Abi Kate to be able to fully participate in the making of each ornament. She doesn’t have the fine motor skills for gluing and cutting and all the adorable craft making yet, so I found an online source of printables. Because sister loves to color. Actually, while she colors she says, “I coloring. I coloring.” Just in case we didn’t notice. 

 Coloring ornaments on Day 1

Fierce coloring skills, eh? ;)

I love the concept of the Jesse tree because it traces the entire story of the Gospel, the prophecy of Christ’s arrival, the reason we would need a Savior, the way that God wove his story into the lives of everyday people, all the way to the arrival of the Holy One…. It’s just a beautiful tapestry that completely displays the sovereignty of God. I want her to see how it ties together and leads us to our own redemption. She’s too young to understand it all right now, and that’s completely ok. But we want her to hear it over and over again, so her heart will be responsive as she grows. We’ve also used our nativity with the Jesse tree this year. So there are piles of crayons on our floor and piles of hay from the roof of the stable. She calls the stable a “farm” and named the cow “Layla” (SO appropriate). But she’s got baby Jesus’ name down, so we’re calling it a win.

Sorry, everyone under the age of 2 has been pants-less in a our house for a few days... More on that...

 And this gem of a wiseman she named & continues to call"Ra Ra" (which is what she calls my sister). It's incredibly hilarious to me because if Rachel did live back in biblical times, she probably would've been a wise woman. Maybe she would've been black, too. Who knows. Miracles happen, right?! 

Tommy & I are also using John Piper’s Advent Devotional for ourselves. I l.o.v.e. John Piper. Love his poetic words, love his sheer honesty, love that he speaks Truth, unfettered by the fluff and feel-goods. I have a friend who had linked up this devotional on Facebook and I was so stoked to print it off on Sunday afternoon and get started. In our Connect group on Sunday morning, what did our teacher hand out? None other than Piper’s Advent Devotional. With a folder! (Chock it up to nerdy teacher-ness but I love a good folder). My printer was so happy! (And so was I.) It has been so good for me to spend the days readying my spirit for the season. I can’t read any of his stuff without crying-- hence more puddles. I’d highly recommend it if you’re looking for one for yourself. I feel like I’m getting a double dose with teaching Abi Kate the Jesse tree and then reading this as well. I can feel the activity of the Spirit in my heart this season. Maybe in a more real way than in years past.

We also spent the last week beginning potty training with Abi Kate. So… more puddles (and sadly some piles.) She started showing readiness signs around 17 months, but I got pregnant a few weeks later and just could not muster up any extra effort to assist in the encouragement of the potty. I spent a lot of time trying to determine if now was the right time, discussing it with my hubs who knows things are always far less serious than I make them. My comfort was that she’s very verbal and honest to a fault  (“I don’t like Mommy’s cookies.” That’s what she said the other night. Offensive. By the way, they were actually delicious. More for me.)  I felt her communication and brutal honesty would make the process an easier transition for us all- especially if she wasn’t ready. (I fully anticipated her to look at me and say, “No, Mommy. I no like potty.”)  I looked into about a thousand different methods and about 3 days in (with some time away from the situation, some introspection, and the much needed encouragement of a friend) realized that much like most things in my parenting, I don’t fit into a “one size fits all” approach. Most methods are just methods that we have to shift and make work for us. We started off with a bare-bottom and oh my soul were there lots of puddles on the floor! But it actually worked very well for her to identify the physical sensations. On day 3 or 4, she started realizing that she has voluntary control over those muscles, so she began using the potty more as a conditional reflex. She’s still working on the verbal connection, but on day 7, she started running to the potty independently when she has had to go- and she made it ahead of time. Woo hoo! She’s been consistent in doing that daily and going when we tell her with a few accidents still thrown in. I’m sure she will now pee exclusively on our carpet the rest of the day once I hit “publish.”

The other puddles came from me. Crying. A lot. I don’t remember being quite so teary in my other pregnancies, but I have been with this one. A lot of my tears relate to Abi Kate, so that’s different from her pregnancy I guess since I wasn’t raising a child yet. One of my biggest concerns as a parent has always been that I would rush her in doing things. We live in a culture of independence, which isn’t really a bad thing, except that I feel like babies often aren’t allowed to be babies. Toddlers can’t be toddlers. Preschoolers need to be like school-aged kids...  I just want Abi Kate to thrive in her own time because she is her own person. She is unique and develops uniquely, just like all children do. It’s why one-method teaching in a classroom usually isn’t profitable. I feel the same in my parenting with her. We will encourage her and help her become autonomous because we do feel like independence is important, but we don’t want to put her in situations that she’s just not developmentally ready for yet. It's a balancing act that everyone does differently and one that I struggled with in this new experience. It was difficult for me the first few days of potty training because I feared I was putting her in a situation she wasn’t ready for developmentally. Which made me cry. A lot. I don’t fully know why I thought this except that I am just plain emotional right now which ups my irrational level (and that's stunning in itself), lessens my ability to objectively evaluate her progress, and because there are many so opinions on potty training about when and how and what defines success/not success that all differ. It wasn't the accidents--I don’t get frustrated with the accidents- they just don’t bother me. I expect them. (Except the one she had yesterday. On our bed. My side. I cried. No anger just a bunch of uncontrollable snubbing from me. It was really embarrassing.)   I couldn't put my finger on why I felt this way (probably because they were covered with my ridiculous tears), so I had to take some time to sit back and consider two things. First, my motivation--  I saw signs that she's ready and I would adore if she’s potty trained before Abram arrives.I know how I am in transition times-- I don’t do change easily. And I know that trying to potty train my two year old while having a newborn attached to my boob all day long while wearing mesh panties (sssuupppeerr sexy) would not be the most gentle or patient environment for her learn it. Not because of the timing or age or anything else, but because of me. I know I would feel rushed and frustrated because I know myself. Many people do not have this flaw like I do, so later is just fine. I'm just not one of those laid back people. Honestly, I wish I was.  Starting now makes me feel like I can offer a much kinder and patient response as she learns. Second, I realized that this is how she ALWAYS learns. She is always cautious in learning new things-- meaning she doesn’t throw herself into them without exposure. She held the tip of my pinky for a month (really there’s no support in there!) before she decided she would let go and walk alone. And once she did decide she was going to walk, she was done with crawling almost immediately. She was the same in learning to crawl- rocking on her knees for weeks while I encouraged her to come to me and cheering her on when she made it. Once she realized she could do it, she was ready. It’s even reminded me of the first month of breastfeeding. I led the way, not her. I followed her cues for when she was hungry or needed comfort, but the actual act-- I had to position her, I had to help her latch appropriately, I had to help her stay awake to eat. And once she decided that she knew what to do about 4 weeks in, she didn’t need me to do all that anymore. It took me a few days to recognize that this new learning phase is really no different for her. We didn’t rush her to do any of these things. We just gave her the support she needed to reach the goal in her own time. And that’s how learning has always worked for her as an individual-- experience plus time coupled with our patience and guidance as she figures things out. It almost reminds me of Lev Vygotsky’s concept of scaffolding (which by the way I was a huge fan of when I was in the classroom). Heck, even her birth mimicked this pattern-- contracting for 5 weeks. And once her body decided it was actually time to grace our world, it was 5 hours of labor and she was here and it was done. It’s just who she is and how she learns. Once I got a grip on that, realized it wasn’t nearly the issue I was pouring over, most of the tears stopped. I realized we are following her cues while guiding her along the way. We feel no rush for her to be fully trained by the end of the month or even by her 2^nd birthday (and WHY is that looming on the horizon?!). Patience and breathing easy-- two things I’m still learning. ;) And clearly, not thriving at it while pregnant! We’ll just keep being consistent and she’ll fully get it when she’s fully ready. In the meantime, she’s made great progress and she is so proud of herself when she is successful. As usual, I was the only party stressing about this. She thinks it’s fantastic.  

Sorry there's no potty training pics. I'll take a picture of a puddle on the floor next time?! 

So the puddles have diminished significantly from her, at least while we’re at home. She’s not quite ready for potential puddle-making in public yet haha. Maybe in another week. She looks like a big girl in her panties, which she adores. And we had to put coconut oil on her little bottom cheeks from where they got chapped sitting on the carpet (hilarity!) But hopefully those puddles will continue to decrease in coming days/weeks. ;) And on a separate and random note, let me just say that I totally get the start/stop with potty training. It can be uber discouraging and the consistency is just plain exhausting, or at least for us. There were 2 definite days I thought, “I’m too tired/pregnant for this.” In addition, can I just say that for me it is  SOOOO much easier to assist in potty training someone else’s kid?! I’ve done that before. No emotional aspect, so no biggie. Next time, I’m sending my kid to a friend’s house. Get ready, girls. Abram is next. Don’t be shocked when he shows up with cookies for you (obviously not the ones AK deemed gross) and a note pinned to his shirt that says, “Please return me when I am a successful potty-er.”

That said I’m still the maker of most of the puddles this week. I opened the Christmas present she made us in her Sunday School class and sobbed. In my car. Over a handprint. Maybe I’ll get myself under control in a week or so. Or maybe 4.5 months from now. In the meantime, we’re enjoying and anticipating all things Christmas and hope you are too- puddles, piles, and all!