Filled to Overflowing

Whenever I think about Thanksgiving, I always think about the different settings of the holiday and how one particular activity is repeated in nearly every environment-- you go around the room and say what you’re thankful for. I’m sure you’ve participated in this before. It happens in classrooms, in homes, in churches, at the Thanksgiving table. I’ve never been one to grow tired of that activity. I’d like to think I’m a semi-reflective person, so I enjoy looking back over the year and finding true gratitude inside this life I’ve been given. I also like doing it because it forces me to put my mind on those things, tangible and intangible, that the Lord has graciously poured out. I have such a tendency to get caught up in the stresses of the day, simple frustrations, and I forget to be grateful for the things that are signified by my complaints. Endless laundry, a dishwasher that is overflowing, racing from one commitment to the next-- symbols of a full home and a life filled with people. So, in light of that, and of the many things I have been given, here is my thankful list….

1.      1.  My husband. Tommy is a man of quiet strength, silly humor, and great conviction. He is humble, gracious, generous to others, and has high integrity.  In many ways, he is what I aspire to be like. We dated for 4 years before getting married, and I am so thankful for that time. It gave us the privilege of countless memories together but more importantly it allowed us to move easily and communicate rightly within our marriage. He knows my heart and my struggles, usually without my having to explain them-- but he listens to them just the same.  He is compassionate and tender towards me and towards our daughter. I haven’t always been appreciative of this, and part of that is my naivety. I have assumed that most men are this way with their wives, but I know better now than I did at age 20. Our love is truly precious and our friendship is priceless. He is the first one I need to tell things too-- even dumb things like, “Hey! Guess what I just found on the sidewalk?! A blue ladybug!”  He’s even nice when I call him and bother him about those dumb things ;) His heart is steadfast and soft towards the things of the Lord. I used to tell him when we were dating that when I read Psalm 1 it always reminded me of him. It does even more so now. I can’t talk much about the depth of his love for Abi Kate without becoming just a complete ball of mush. His love for her is exquisite. She is a blessed child to have him. He is selfless towards me and Abi Kate. He longs to be more like the Lord. At our wedding reception, I distinctly remember his brother saying that Tommy was a “man among men.” He is. I am thankful for his leadership, his character, his provision, and his love. I am thankful for the beautiful marriage that Christ has cultivated between us-- that we have the privilege to sort through struggles, to challenge each other, to share in the joys of this life together. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.”  I am thankful for the hand of God upon us, upon our mutual love, that He has seen fit to make our marriage ‘beautiful in its time.’

2.      2. My precious daughter. Last year at Thanksgiving, I was thinking about what this year would be like. I was grateful for the life within me, for her kicks and contractions, even for the stretch marks that showed up about this time a year ago (and yet they haven’t left ... what’s that about?!!?) I didn’t fall in love with Abi Kate the moment I saw her-- it started long before that. I loved her from the minute I picked up that pregnancy test, hands trembling, praying it would say yes. I loved her from the minute I felt her move at 14 weeks but couldn’t be sure, at 15 weeks pumping gas after school when I knew that it was her moving and not my imagination, at 18 weeks when we heard “It’s a girl!”, at every appointment  when we heard her heart beating strongly. I loved her the night I went into labor, in the hours before it began when I looked at Tommy and told him I felt sure labor was imminent and I wasn’t sure I could do it, that I wouldn’t be strong enough for her. I loved her on my knees in labor asking Jesus out loud to please help me. I loved her when I heard her first cry--the one she let out before she was even completely out of me. And when I saw her, it simply sealed the deal. My heart was hers, and I am so thankful.This time last year, I couldn’t imagine how grateful I would truly be for this little life. For the change she has spurred in me, that she has ushered me on to the things of Christ, that she moved our number from 2 to 3, for the wholeness she brought when we didn’t even know we were missing something without her. Tommy & I have talked so many times late at night after putting her to bed wondering how we could’ve possibly lived without Abi Kate for so long. I’ve heard that saying many times, “A child is the tangible proof that your love exists.” And I feel this so strongly about her. She is physical, living proof, that the love Tommy & I share is real and true. She is an overflow of our love. Watching her grow and learn, forming our small family unit, has been the greatest joy of my life. Pslam 127:3 says, “Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Carrying her & parenting her--It really does feel like a reward. I am so thankful for her life, that the Lord saw fit to give this specific child to us. I am thankful for her sweet demeanor, that she giggles easily, that she’s pensive when learning something new,  that she has definite likes (and dislikes…ahh!!), and that we have the high calling of leading her to and showing her the cross of Christ. Tommy & I both believe that raising children is Kingdom work and try to gauge our parenting after that idea. I am grateful simply to have the opportunity. She is priceless.

3.       3. Christ’s continued work. This is a harder one in some ways. I’ve shared a good bit of what the Lord has been doing in my heart and life in the last 9 months. It is a good work, but it is hard. Hard for me, anyway. I have often felt in the last few months that as soon as the Lord starts working on my heart in one area and I become receptive to it, He starts in on another area. And my flesh just wants to say, “One thing at a time, Lord!” But I am thankful for the pruning. Thankful that he has orchestrated the moments and people in my life to bring me into a closer walk with Him. I am thankful that the depth of His love for me will not leave me as I am, that He has called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light in every way. I am thankful that salvation doesn’t just stop at the foot of the cross but that He pursues us through sanctification, even when that means leaving things of this life behind.  I am thankful for the cross of Jesus Christ, for His willingness to take my sin, to offer forgiveness and the reward of eternal life. I am thankful that the Creator loved His creation enough to extend that to us-- to make a way for us to be in right standing with Him.

      Ever since Abi Kate was first born, we’ve tried to pour the gospel into her life. One of the ways we’ve done that is through music. We are big fans of PraiseBaby over here (we have some friends who call it “Baby Crack” which I actually think is a more appropriate title and what we’ve taken to calling it, but I thought you might not know what I was talking about then….I also thought you might be concerned about our parenting skills….).  My favorite song on all of the albums is called “Oh My Soul”. I have rocked her many times listening to it, driven down the road with the music playing, and tears just pouring. I rarely listen to it without crying and it is because it convicts me-- a child’s song brings conviction. Doesn’t take much for me, huh?! One of the lines says, “Oh my soul, from head to toe, bless God.”  This is my prayer and what I am striving for-- that every aspect and action of my life would bless God in accordance to how He has blessed me. That the condition of my soul would bring Him great delight. And that the gratitude I feel at the multitude of blessings He has poured into my life would overflow into the lives of others, would touch them, and would draw them near to the Savior. 

Bringing Out the Ugly

“Make your life a clear testimony. Be like a brook of which you can see every stone at the bottom-- not like a muddy creek, of which you can see only the surface. Be clear and transparent, so that your heart’s love for God and man may be visible to all.” ~Charles Spurgeon

I’ve been stuck in between sharing this post & not. Sin is ugly. It’s embarrassing. But, I set out to be purposeful in blogging so that I can remember what the last several months have meant for me. (Lord knows I will need this reminder in the future. Probably even tomorrow. I’m a slow learner!) I thought about keeping it private, but being openly transparent with others is something that the Lord has been working on in my life, so I’ve shared.  I thought about not writing this because sometimes I simply don’t like the responses of others. I think without meaning to, people often trivialize something that the Lord has taught you or they attempt to simplify your personal experience. Such comments & attitudes are neither edifying nor helpful, and it usually just leaves me feeling hurt. But by sharing, I’ve opened myself up to criticism, which I just have to get over because choosing not to share how steadfast the Lord’s work has been simply because someone might hurt my feelings is selfish.  Therefore….

All through my pregnancy and even through Abi Kate’s earliest days, I heard that being a parent would change who I am. Most of the time, I pridefully felt like I didn’t need to change much about myself. I had a degree, a career, and a precious marriage before having a child. It’s not like I had to stop being a party girl and grow up (and seriously, the idea of me as a party girl is pretty hysterical. I know you laughed!) I’ve heard women talk about how their experiences with their fathers or mothers altered the way they wanted to parent. I couldn’t apply that to myself either, and I’ve never appreciated that more than I do now. I have a very present father who walks in integrity. I have a very Godly mother who serves the Lord with gladness. Simply put, I have a really good relationship with both of my parents. Nothing about my growing up was broken or tarnished.  I also felt when people mentioned this idea of change that I was already walking with the Lord. I knew there was plenty of room for growth, though I didn’t grasp how much. But after looking the face of my precious girl, after carrying that sweet life inside me, and after longing for her to love the Lord with all her heart, I knew that change was inevitable. I couldn’t hope that she would live her life a certain way if I wasn’t setting that example for her. I couldn’t expect that she would be compassionate and merciful towards others, humble and meek if I wasn’t living that in front of her day in and day out.

Much of this recognition of long-lived sin in my life started years before Abi Kate’s arrival, but I’d been able to make change applicable on my own terms for years. Looking back I cannot believe how patient the Father’s heart has been with me. How patient He is with me still. I would’ve forsaken me a long time ago. Early this summer, the Lord really began dealing with me about this pervasive issue. He used a few relationships to challenge me to walk more faithfully and convicted me to respond in ways that I normally would not. But the struggle between myself and what Christ would have me do was very present. Several months after that, we joined a new connect group at church and we also began a new Life class. Much of these two classes overlapped in their discussion and content. It was funny because they’re taught by the same person and he’s said throughout the duration we must be getting tired of him and his teaching. We aren't.  Really, I think the Lord intended for me to have the double dose because I’m such a stubborn learner. God has used a culmination of events, people, and these two weekly meetings to bring great repentance in my heart. Sad to say I was really surprised by this. I have no longer been able to escape the evident truths of God’s grace. I’ve no longer been able to make them applicable on my own terms. They are things that I’ve always known. They’re not new concepts for me. I grew up in the church and saw Godly truth lived out in my home. I was saved at age 8, by the grace of God and only that I never experienced a period of outward rebellion. But my own heart has been “deceitful above all things” (Jer. 17:9), deceiving even me into believing that I was walking with others in humility and grace.

I can’t say that I’ve ever been a merciful person. I’ve never loved others with a grace-filled heart. My sister does. She always has. She is a beautiful example of what grace & mercy should look like in the life of a believer. Funny how you can be from the same gene pool but have such different characteristics. I’ve had high expectations of myself and even higher ones for others.  I’ve lived the majority of my life saying that I am thankful for God’s grace, that I understand it, that it changed me. And in some general sense I guess this is right. But I’m convicted of the truth that grace can’t truly be fully understood, fully appreciated unless I am offering that to others freely and unequivocally. How could I possibly say that I grasp the gravity of sin, the perfect grace that was the only thing that could save me, the destitute condition I was in without it, and not willingly offer that to others? The answer is easy-- I couldn’t. It’s easy to say that you understand grace and mercy. It’s easy to speak those words- that you’re a filthy, wretched sinner who is nothing apart from a sovereign God. It’s easy to have a basic belief in them. It is hard to live them. It’s even harder to live them out with those that aren’t always easy to love or even those that you just don’t want to love. But the truth is, unless I am living them, I am lacking in true understanding.

I’ve said before that I easily write people off. To me, I’ve always felt if you are codependent on others, lack personal responsibility, allow others to make choices for you, then we probably can’t get along well. If friends or people frustrated me regularly, I would just pull away.  They might not have noticed it, but I was no longer intentional in my relationship with them. It was easier, clearly they needed to grow up. Oh, I’ve got plenty of friends, even lots that I’d deem “close.”  When people have few friends and lots of problems with others, it’s pretty obvious who the culprit is. But the fact that I have many friends is really more a result of the persistent goodness of God and my friends’ patience than it is a symbol of my ability to love. I have new friendships and I have friendships that are getting ready to hit the two decade mark (That makes me feel old.) But I have faltered in many of these relationships outwardly and even just in my heart. I have kept too many friendships on a surface level because of this. In fact, I think the number of friends made it easy for me to convince myself that I didn’t have a problem loving others. But that wasn’t and isn’t true. This is not the character that I hope for Abi Kate to have. I want her to love others, to cherish them even when they are difficult & when she doesn’t feel like it, to freely and easily offer much forgiveness and mercy, to be genuine in all her relationships-- allowing her faults to be seen and not judging when she sees the errors of others. As the Lord started to deal with me in this area, I was reminded of a few years ago when the Lord started pricking my heart about this subject. (For real folks, it has taken YEARS). I’d gone to visit my sister in seminary, and somehow the topic of loving others had come up and how we approach relationships. She cautioned me against supporting the ideas of the ever popular Boundaries books. Now, I know this is going to be an unpopular idea as many folks just love that book, and if you love it, please feel free to keep on loving it(I’m not trying to start a debate here). That said, I believe she was right. True fellowship with others doesn’t result from pushing them away when relationships are messy. It doesn’t result from thinking that you don’t have much to learn from others. It doesn’t come from putting up walls and only allowing people (and certain types of people) in so far in an attempt to ward off potential problems. It comes from genuine, open communication. If I am openly and humbly communicating in truthful love, the need for walls and boundaries isn’t necessary. In fact, I can’t find anywhere in the Bible where that idea is supported in context. I do see the theme that “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13. I certainly don’t see keeping people at bay for the preservation of your own good in the person of Christ. I do see vulnerability and a giving up of your own good. You can use the Bible like an encyclopedia and grab verses that support boundaries. We can even use secular psychology and make it applicable to biblical relationships to support boundaries. But if I’m honest, I don’t think boundaries is what Christ has called me to. What he has called me to is selflessness, to forgive 70 times 7 (Matt. 18:22), to place the needs of others above myself (Phil 2:4), to become all things to all people that they might know Him (1 Cor 9:22) to love others as I love myself (Mark 12:31; read the next paragraph and you’ll see I’ve got a lot of loving to do.) He himself was found in the presence of those that were difficult to love, not just with His followers. He was as much himself in genuine character with the unlovable as He was with the easy to love. And He didn’t need boundaries to preserve Himself because the purpose of the relationship wasn’t about Him-- it was about the other person, what He could do for them. This is my example and one that I have failed at miserably.

In reality, all of these things stem from one trait-- pride. I know from the moment I entered this world, I was engrained with a love for self. It is easy to overlook it. Easy to pass off attitudes as being self- confident.  I have found in my life that pride is really the enemy’s greatest tool to use against me. I think most of the time we think of pride as outright arrogance. It’s really easy to spot pride in others, wouldn’t you say? But who wants to point that finger back at themselves? And the danger is that pride usually isn’t so obvious, especially in the life of the believer. It happens in fleeting thoughts-- in thinking that I’ve made better choices than someone else and thinking that they got what they deserved. It happens in my actions when I’m unwilling to listen and love others.  It’s why I’m easily irritated. It’s why I feel like certain relationships aren’t worth continuing. I don’t want others to know my struggles- it makes me look weak. I don’t want certain people to share in particular aspects of life with me-- isolation with my preferred group is much easier. It affects my communications-- it makes me belittle the experiences of others. It makes me relish in my accomplishments. It makes me place myself, any successes I’ve had, over others. It makes me convinced that others have a lot to learn, that I couldn’t learn much from them.  It even makes me read a blog like this and think, “Thank God I don’t struggle with that.” (Oh yes, I have done that). And I am convinced that it is something that I will always have to lay down, multiple times a day at the feet of Jesus, as long as I live in this flesh. I don’t think there will be a day in my life on earth when I’m free from pride. Free from the burden of pride, from the punishment and its mastery? Yes, praise God. But I don’t believe that we just “get over” a sin one day after much striving, and that we can just move on never expecting to struggle in that again. I know it will be part of working out my salvation, of being made righteous.

I now long to walk in humility and meekness. I never would’ve said that years ago because I truly thought those were weak words. Words that suggested quiet doormats of people who let others trample on them. In fact, I likened meekness to a Julia Sugarbaker quote, “Yes, the meek shall inherit the earth. But they will not keep it for long!” I was so wrong. Those people are loving others in spite of themselves, they are a living example of Christ’s sacrifice-- to love and forgive, to pursue us even when we were at our worst. I am so thankful that God has placed others in my life who set an example in this for me. And I am thankful that there are mothers who live this out in front of me.

My mother-- who likes things to be a particular way, but only because she believes in giving the best to others. (There’s not many people that are this way anymore- most people think that simply doing anything for someone else is a sacrifice, the “best” isn’t necessary for others. ) A woman who diligently lived out the example that Christ set forth in front of her children every day. In my many memories of childhood, I remember my mom’s unending patience with us and with others, something that I am not but hope to be. I remember her gentleness, even in her correction. I’ve even seen her speak the truth in genuine love and kindness to others. Plenty of people know how to speak the truth, plenty say they speak it in love,  but I know few people who actually speak it with genuine love as their purpose-- not in self-righteousness and not out of a desire to correct others for the sake of correction.

My sweet friend with almost 9 children-- she has never lorded over me how much she knows because of her countless hours of parenting. She’s never made me feel like I don’t know as much because I only have one child and she has more.  Her position has always been one of humility in our relationship. She has listened, uplifted, encouraged, and only offered wisdom when asked. She is patient, and I honestly can’t say I’ve ever heard her complain about the fatigues of parenthood, about the busyness of days spent at home with her children. I’ve never heard her play the martyr about how hard or chaotic it is to be a parent to one child or to multiple children. While I know she feels these things the way that all mothers do, I really only recall her talking about the high calling of motherhood, about its great blessings.

This is what I want to be--as a believer, as a woman, as a mother, as an example for my daughter. I want to edify others when they talk about their struggles and things they’re learning to overcome. To encourage them as they walk through a particular season of life. To never make them feel small because I might know more than them or might have more experience than them. To love in truth, as I have been loved by a perfect Savior. To take captive every thought or attitude and make it obedient to Christ. To recognize my low position and the great pit that I have been ransomed from. To be aware of the depths of sin and how easily I can slip into it. To be open with my shortcomings-- and not just the easy-to-admit ones. To let grace and humility make a difference not only in my speech, but in my life and in my love.

                                                                                                                 

An old hymn kept coming to mind as I’ve written and erased and rewritten and started over….

“Draw me nearer, nearer blessed Lord to the cross where Thou hast died.

Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer blessed Lord,

To Thy precious, bleeding side.”

Why I Can't Have Mom Friends

Ok, that title is not actually true for me, personally. I’m blessed and extremely grateful to have several “mom friends” that I regularly chat with, share life with, and meet with every few weeks (seriously girls, did you think I was referencing you?!).  But it goes with this blog. I stumbled across this video not long ago, watched it with Tommy, and we were both almost crying by the end of it from laughing so hard. Even though it was really funny and way overdramatized, I think part of the humor in it is because it stems from truth. But before I go on, you have to watch the video. It’ll make you laugh. ;)

Now in light of my previous “chemical free, organic, cloth diapering, etc., etc.” post, I know you’re thinking I’m that crazy blonde headed lady! But I actually don’t care to focus on that part. What stuck out most to me is that as I’ve begun to notice this very thing amongst women. Some of these things I knew before having kids-- I know that most people think their children are advanced either physically, cognitively, socially, or in all areas. I know that a lot of parents read into a situation, something their kid said or did as some token of their child’s deep understanding about life. I also know that most people think that people who do things differently from them are parenting ineffectively.  But to start to experience that as a parent is different than experiencing it as a spectator.  And friends, it is BRUTAL. It’s like a war amongst the mothers. It’s not usually straight forward and obvious the way it is in this video (I mean, that’s what makes it funny). But I’ve begun to discover that there’s almost an undercurrent of superiority amongst mothers. Nine months in and I’m already tired of it. (FYI-- this post does not refer to anyone in particular. In fact, if you’re concerned it’s about you, that probably means it’s not ;) )  

For example, people start asking you if your child is sleeping through the night right about the second they’re born. They would applaud you if you said yes and if not, it must be because you’re doing something wrong. That made me crazy in the first few months, particularly because that idea doesn’t support  a true knowledge of how infant sleep works. We were extremely grateful that Abi Kate was a good sleeper early on, but we were about 99% sure that we didn’t have much to do with that. She just slept. I notice the same thing in discussions about physical development, particularly gross motor skills. Parents are convinced their child is a genius if they’re crawling at 6 months, walking at 9, and on and on. Everytime I hear these things, I secretly want to let them know that gross motor skills are not indicative of cognitive development, that physical milestones run on a continuum of months which doesn’t much lend itself to “advanced skills”. Maybe their kid is just going to be a kinesthetic learner, or maybe their little muscles were just ready to achieve that skill. Don’t get me wrong-- I support the view of a holistic child. I know that much of what most people think about a child’s abilities depends on what theories they subscribe to regarding development. But let’s be honest-- how many of you knew a seriously gifted athlete that seriously struggled with reading?!  One great skill doesn’t equate perfection in another. Thankfully, I can’t say that I’ve been the target of these scenarios. (And it is not because Abi Kate is gifted or advanced.) I think people just leave me alone in general because I’m a newbie. But I notice it just the same.  Like for example, a woman will say when her child achieved a certain skill, and you hear another mom chime in, “Oh that’s great! Of course my little boy was just off and running several months before that. Such a go-getter.”  And I’m sitting there thinking, “Wow. Way to make that other mom feel like her kid is a big lazy terd.” Don’t get me wrong-- I don’t think there’s anything wrong with stating when your child achieves a particular skill or even being proud of them! Trust me, when Abi Kate first pulled up on the ottoman with those chubby little thighs quaking all the way up, the joy and admiration was pretty palpable in our little living room.  But you can tell when there’s an air of self-righteousness, as if they as a parent have done something that the other parent just hasn’t quite gotten a grasp on. Therefore, their kid is advanced and the other kid will “catch up soon, I’m sure!”

And it’s not even just in situations like that. There’s the age old war of staying at home vs. going to work. Formula feeding vs. breastfeeding.  Public school vs. homeschool. Attachment parenting, discipline, vaccinating, and the list goes on and on.  I’ve even noticed it amongst people who hold the same views. I’m not even joking when I say that it’s like a competition to see who can be the “greenest” mom amongst those that shun some mainstream ideas. I have seen women on forums just crucify another mom because they use a disposable diaper at night and only cloth in daytime hours, or because they only allow their children to play with natural wood toys not those chemical plastic toys. REALLY?! And of course it works the other way, too. Women who jest at others for breastfeeding past a certain age, avoiding chemicals, or using cloth diapers.

That’s not even embarking on the whole world of birthing and all the vehement feelings that brings up.  Please believe me when I say that I believe it is important to know why you’re doing what you do as a parent, to make informed decisions, etc. (Nothing gets me more riled up than someone who outright disses another parent’s decision making without having done any studying on that subject themselves.) I think maybe this is the reason that there’s so much hostility amongst women. Or at least part of it. Usually, or hopefully, when we do something as parents, it’s because we believe in it. So by default, it seems that we disagree with someone who is doing something different. Most women that I know, including myself, are interpreters-- always reading into what someone else was saying instead of taking it literally. I don’t think it has to be that way, but it’s hard not to be. Because if I’m being completely truth-on-the-table honest, I struggle not to be that way. I may not voice it, but in my mind I might think otherwise. I think the issue is deeper than that. I think it’s a sin issue. And I think it is about pride. I’m working on a gut-wrenchingly honest blog that I’m still working up the courage to post-- it’s a lot about the ugly topic of pride (and how it controls me, specifically)… and in these last few months, I’ve come to notice  that it is often a main deterrent in allowing us to form meaningful relationships with other women, particularly other mothers. It’s pride. Our child’s behavior is better than theirs. Our child can do more than theirs. We pat ourselves on the back for being successful in this journey of motherhood.  And we feel slightly more validated because our child can do things another child their age can’t.

It’s easy to be around people who are like-minded and do things like us. But what about those who do things differently? I struggle to find a balance in that. I struggle because I focus on myself instead of my purpose in relationships. Watching that ridiculous video made me stop and consider what my responses are to others. But mostly what my heart’s motivations are-- and sometimes, it’s not pretty folks. I’m in no way suggesting that it’s wrong to have strong ideas on any topic or that it is wrong to tell what you’ve learned. It’s no secret that I hold some pretty definitive views. (It's also no secret that I have friends who don't support those views. Please don't be paranoid after reading this and think I've been sitting around hating you & your choices!) But if those ideas aren’t grounded in the goodness of Christ, if I can’t mercifully love others who do things differently than me, then I’m out of line. If I have to make someone else feel small to advance a cause, my need for validation as a mother, then I’m out of line. It’s not really a place I thought I’d find myself in because I’ve always been very, “If we don’t see things the same way, let’s happily go our separate ways.” I’ve found in recent days that Christ continues to call me to leave things behind, even more so now that I’m a mother. This is one of those things. 

So, even though the mompetition will rage on, I want to disassociate myself from that. I want to love as Christ has called me to and to serve as he has commanded me to regardless of parenting decisions. Maybe by kid #??? I’ll actually be there…..

Fall Fun!

We had a busy, festive weekend celebrating all things seasonal. I've always loved running from one place to the next, the chaos that ensues with multiple get-togethers and activities. But as I've gotten older, I've started to appreciate the reprieve and solace that home brings. It is a quiet peace of rest and predictability-- and after a busy several days in a row, I crave it. I still love being busy, especially with my new little family. I love giving Abi Kate experiences and opportunities that she wouldn't have from just hanging out at home. I love sharing moments with Tommy while she sleeps in the backseat of the car. And on a personal level, I adore spending time with friends and family. But after a few days, I start longing for routine. Mornings with coffee in a ceramic cup rather than a travel mug. Mundane tasks like taking the recycling midweek and mopping the floors on Mondays. And after this weekend, I learned that my baby love is much like her momma. (Of course, I have known this about her, but it was surely solidified after all of our fun running around.)

She so often reminds me of her Daddy. And I wanted that. When the ultrasound tech said, "Girl!", after coming down from about 18 levels of pure euphoria and nearly shouting at Tommy, "That means headbands and hairbows!!", I started praying that she'd be like him. Not that I don't like myself, but I wanted her to mimic so many of his characteristics, particularly his content, laid-back spirit. We all know those words don't support my personality. I could write a lot about that, but it's another blog for another day. :) Abi Kate is very social. She giggles a lot, is very smiley, but she's also pensive and curious in new situations. She's a good mix of us both, I think. And most of the time, she's pretty low key. But by Monday night, she was just about done with the running around, and I could tell she was longing for her regular days at home, too. Guess what? I love that about her!

Tommy & I have gone back and forth about whether we'll celebrate Halloween with our kiddos. But for this year at least, we just couldn't resist dressing her up. I often describe her as sweet-- and she really just is. I know I'm biased. But after being around so many little kids, I'm also a realist; and no other word describes her as well. So, she was a sweet little cupcake! Here's a few pics from her first Fall celebrations!!
                                                 

 We started off at Books & Babies playing with toys.

 Before going to trick or treat all around the library. I helped her out by eating those goldfish and animal crackers. Mom of the Year. ;)

Friday night Abi Kate hung out with some of her favorite friends-- Micah & Ella. Ella didn't make it into these pics somehow! (I actually think these pics were from Thursday... Either way, they were a part of her weekend!)

          Snacking on my buddy Micah.

 I think Micah & AK became friends in utero. :) Their mommas are friends so it makes sense. They were born exactly 6 weeks apart almost to the minute. That makes for good baby-friend connections!

   Saturday we headed to the Mcdoula Fall Festival for a bonfire, yummy treats, and trunk or treat. Even though I didn't get to talk to all the women there, to me, there's a type of silent connection in being surrounded by women & their babies who value physiological birth, who know that it rarely needs to be "managed", who have found strength in trusting their bodies (and not because they are strong within themselves but because they were designed by a perfect Creator to do His good work-- and childbirth is that-- a good work.)

    She wishes ;)

    Staying warm in the trunk with my friends Macey & Maclaine!

  Once we got near the fire, she started getting sleepy.

 On Sunday, we headed to our church's annual Fall Festival. It is always a good time! She was interested in all the sights and people.

     We're blessed to worship at the same church with my sister. So Abi Kate got to have some extra Aunt Ra time. :)

  I could also write a big long blog about how awesome babywearing is. I'll spare you ;) But it does make long outings much more snuggly and also convenient. 

As soon as the festival was over, we went by Grandma & Grandpa's to celebrate Grandpa's birthday. Somehow he escaped the picture?! Here's almost all the nieces.

And then Monday night, we took Abi Kate for her first round of  "Trick-or-Treating." Definitely a loose definition since it was mostly just visiting with family! ;) Her costume was too big and puffy for her carseat, which meant taking it on and off at every stop. Oops! I might oughta rethink that next time!

    We stopped by Nannie's first for a little visit. We didn't tell her we were coming so it was an exciting surprise for her. :)

 Then we headed to Grandma & Grandpa's house. This is where the "I Want My Routine Back" started really kicking in. Even with that sad face, still a cute cupcake. And how much do Tommy & his momma favor here?!

 Hugging on Grandma, feeling happier now :)

 Look at that chubby baby foot. Couldn't resist it with her sparkly shoes.

 Finally Grandpa made it into a picture!

Then our last stop was Papa & Mimi's house. Aunt Ra met us there. Abi Kate cried all the way to their house but then perked up a little bit once we arrived. Guess she loves them!

 I got a little goody bag here with a banana & avocado (2 of my favorites!!) and a little treat for my piggy bank ;)

 Loving on Aunt Ra & Papa 

The Sweetest Cupcake around 

Sometimes laying on Daddy is all you need to feel better. :) 

A busy weekend filled with precious friends and family that we can't get enough of. We are so grateful to share all of these moments with those we love deeply! Here's to a calm, boring week of naps and playtime and staying in our jammies too long! :)

The Great Joy Sucker

Abi Kate will be 9 months old tomorrow. "Time flies" is an understatement. In light of that, my mind has been on how God has used her in such a short time to bring me to a more steadfast love for Him....

 A few months ago at Abi Kate's 4 month check up, her pediatrician very casually asked us a question. In the moment, I had no clue that this simple question would be a great "joy sucker" for me. If I had, I probably would've been on my knees much longer that morning. He asked us if she normally held her head tilted to the side. No big deal, right? I told him that she did sometimes, but not always. He very casually mentioned that she may have a tightening of the muscles in her neck, physical therapy would loosen it over time, and just to keep an eye on it and if we didn't see improvement within a few weeks to call him back. It was funny that he mentioned that because as soon as he drew attention to it, we noticed it. Often. Most of the time, in fact. I wasn't overly concerned about it. I'd looked it up online (this is a BAD idea friends. Do not follow this example). It seemed that he was suggesting that she had torticollis. Of course, my initial thought was, "Oh no. Something is wrong with my child." But her pediatrician was very calm about it (which I am ever grateful for), said it could just be developmental as she was learning to hold her head up completely, and so I told myself just to be at peace. I left his office feeling pretty confident and ok. We took her back about a month later, he said it was torticollis (though only a mild case), and he scheduled us to meet with a pediatric physical therapist. Nothing major. I asked him to please tell me what had caused it and he told me basically what I'd read about it-- often it's from positioning in utero (to which I said "Thanks a lot, uterus. Thanks a lot."), it could be just a preference that she developed over time, or it could be from birth trauma. Birth trauma was immediately ruled out. So we started considering the first option, her positioning inside of me. When she was born she had an asymmetrical nose (basically, it was smushed on one side.)

       *Look at that sweet little smooshed nose!*
Almost as soon as she was born, I looked at our doula who is also an RN and said, "Her nose?!" and then repeated that same question when her pediatrician came to do a check on her the next morning. Cute as it was, as new parents we were mildly concerned. They both assured us it was simply from how she'd laid against the uterine wall and it would pop out over time. They were right. :)

* A few days later, more popped out but still a little smooshy. (Oh my soul, how was she this tiny?! Tears..)*

               *And about 2 weeks later, her precious little button nose was completely "normal".*

Long story short, the way her head would've been tilted inside me for her nose to be flat coincided with the way that her neck chose to stay tilted.
In general, I was grateful that this was the only "problem." There are so many parents with sick babies, difficult pregnancies, truly traumatic experiences. This was just a tightening of muscles, it wasn't preventable,  and it simply required a bit of physical therapy and some stretching. Or at least this is how I felt at the beginning.

Abi Kate began therapy in July and went once a week. We adored her therapists. They loved on her like she was theirs. They snuggled her and kissed her and were so gentle. There's nothing better than to see someone else genuinely caring for your child. They taught us stretches to do at home; we did them religiously. We didn't broadcast it simply because people didn't seem to understand the diagnosis. That's ok-- I wouldn't have either I'm sure. A few times we got, "Oh I bet it's because she didn't do enough tummy time. Or she was in her swing a lot."  Which those things can lead to a predisposition towards torticollis, but that just wasn't the case for her. She hated tummy time, which we now understood why. But we did it, and I wore her from the minute she was big enough to be worn (which is also a form of tummy time).

                                                                       *1 week old!*

 In addition, Tommy and I never subscribed to the theory that you could spoil a newborn by holding it. The swing and bouncy seat were nice occasionally, but not used for hours on end. (Seriously, she slept on us for the first two weeks of her life. Tsk, tsk, I know.) I mean, we were ridiculously in love with this child. Why wouldn't we hold her as often as we could?! And 9 months later, now that she moves and crawls and jumps and wiggles and doesn't want to be held most of the time, I'm so grateful we soaked up those moments and held her as close as we could as often as we did.

We also heard, "Oh, just turn her neck and make her look this way." Which is nice in theory. But it's kinda like telling a blind person to just open up their eyes so they can see. It's not that they don't want to, they just can't. Really, people were just trying to be helpful and understand. But I was already grappling with the idea that I had carried my child inside "incorrectly" and it resulted in needing therapy. So everything sounded like it was my fault, something that we could've avoided if we'd done things the "right way". It is funny to see how quickly the enemy snuck in and started turning something that I initially felt wasn't a big deal into something that was a *BIG* deal for me.

It started just like I said... I started thinking that I hadn't carried her "right". I went through a laundry list of things that I tried to do to protect her and offer her a great start. I took prenatal vitamins for a few months before trying to conceive to make sure my body had what it needed, I used natural remedies when I was sick during pregnancy, I took 1 Tylenol my entire pregnancy, I was regularly adjusted, and we'd chosen to birth her with no medication to keep her safe from the side effects of pitocin and anesthesia. But somehow, I kept those thoughts at bay for awhile. She was making quick progress in therapy, she loved playing while she was there, and so it was easy to put it out of my mind.

She had been in therapy for about a month when she turned 6 months old. If you know anything about child development, you know that this particular month is a really rich month of growth-- both physical and cognitive. She was sitting up, trying to move from sitting to prone, grabbing toys out of her reach. And the stretches we had to do became hard. She hated them and would scream and cry while we did them. It broke my heart. I've never been one to cry when she cries. I didn't cry when she had her blood drawn, when she had a shot, etc. I know that babies just cry-- it's how they communicate. But this was different. She struggled against me and I knew the stretches were uncomfortable. They didn't hurt, but they were working those tightened muscles. I remember one afternoon just crying with her and telling her I was sorry because I felt like it was my fault. She wouldn't have to do the stretches if I hadn't done something wrong. I knew logistically that this was incorrect. But I couldn't stop that tidal wave of emotion, and my thoughts just started spinning. I didn't identify it.1 Peter 5:8 should've bolted into my mind. "Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."  But it didn't.

Abi Kate's pregnancy and birth were times of heavy spiritual growth for me. They were refining for my faith and the Father used them to draw me to Himself. On the morning of January 27, I needed the physical presence of Christ in a way that I'd never needed Him before. And just like He promised, even when I doubted, He showed up and sustained me. He delivered me, He comforted me, He quieted me with His love. He offered peace in the pain and calm in the chaos. He answered every tiny thing that we prayed, and I was overcome. I still struggle to explain adequately what her birth meant for me on a spiritual level. I will never forget the hours of intimacy with Christ in our home while I labored. Nine months later and I still can't talk about it without tears. God used those hours to magnificently display his faithfulness to me, His sovereignty, and to show me, a lover of control, how beautiful surrender truly is. In 5 hours He showed me things about Himself that I hadn't learned in 17 years of following Him. It only makes sense that this is where the enemy would begin his "devouring." And on that afternoon while Abi Kate cried and I cried for her, I shamefully started to doubt.  I doubted our decisions. I forgot what He had showed me not so long ago, and I started to look for control.

I began to doubt the birth choices Tommy and I had made. Decisions we'd labored over. Prayed over. But I questioned them just the same. We'd considered home birth with her early in my second trimester, but things didn't pan out and we didn't feel peace about it. I started thinking that if I'd had her at home, I could've delivered her as soon as I needed. I wouldn't have fought against pushing in order to make it to Vanderbilt. Maybe if I'd gone to a nearer hospital.... There were so many if's....  Maybe she was too big for my body to carry and maybe this would happen to all of our children. Maybe I hadn't paid enough attention. Looking back at her pictures from her first week on,  it was SO easy to spot it. Things that I had originally looked at and thought, "She doesn't hold her head up completely yet." I even emailed our doula asking if something had happened during her birth that I'd done ( to which she patiently told me that home birth couldn't have prevented it, going to another hospital wouldn't have fixed it, and nothing had happened in her delivery-- all hands were off her when she arrived. No pulling or guiding. She was simply caught by the midwife.) But there was still this incessant need to know what I had done. And what I didn't recognize in the moment was that at the center of all that, there was a huge crowning and loving of self.  What had I done? Not what He had done. Why did I decide that? Not what He had led us to. Graciously, Christ used His people to point me back to His wisdom and to point out my position. Tommy pointed me to scripture, and I remember the words of one particular friend verbatim. "God's hands were all over her birth. Don't forget that."

Through this process, I realized that even though I'd acknowledged His strength and utter holiness, I had somehow managed to keep myself elevated to a position of control. I had allowed the enemy to suck the joy from one of the greatest cornerstone moments of my life. And how easily he'd been able to because of my great love for myself. My great need for control. The same things that Christ had broken me of 6 months before, on my knees in my living room at 4 am while the rest of the world went on with their day. I ignored what Christ had prevented, the health that He had given my child, and had made it about my actions-- this one small thing that I couldn't control. In the ease of my everyday life, in my lack of attention to the spiritual war that is always raging around me, I didn't give credence to "the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might.." (Eph 1:19). It was a humbling moment from a merciful God. Walking in humility is something that I continue to struggle with, and I imagine I always will (parenting is a good help with that! haha). It is still amazing to me the amount of ignorance I foster about my love for myself and how I easily go from day to day without recognizing how incapable I am and how sovereign He is. I am grateful for His unending kindness that leads me to repentance.

God showed His faithfulness even in my shallowness...Something that never ceases to touch my soul. Abi Kate was released from therapy in September. And in that time God reminded me to make much of Him and to make little of myself.  Much to the surprise of her therapists, she never presented with or developed any physical delays as children with torticollis often do. We weren't surprised. :) He is good.

     *Her tilty little neck ;)*

                                                                      * Still there...*

                                                                    * And now... :)  *

One of the scriptures that resonated with me from the moment I read "pregnant" on the at-home test to the present moments of our lives with Abi Kate.... The scripture painted in her room because I identify it as hers. It spoke perfectly to this experience. "The Lord has done GREAT things for us, and we are filled with JOY." Psalm 126:3

Chemical Free is the Way to Be!

I'm aware that was the dorkiest title in the history of all blogs. I've embraced the idea that I will never be "free" of Kindergarten, even if I'm not currently teaching it. But it goes with the rest of this little passage, so....

A few reasons for this particular topic- 1. I've had several people ask me over the last few months about chemicals, toxin free cleaners, cloth diapers, where I'm at in the "green" process (and seriously, it is a process for me! I'm a slow changer...),etc.  2. This slow transformation has spawned as a result of becoming a parent. 3. October is Holistic Living Month!! Did you know?! I was excited! (Can you tell??)

**Disclaimer: And just for the concern of a few friends, I have not become the epitome of a tree hugger who thinks Mother Nature is holy and real. I promise I haven't turned into a lobbying environmentalist!**

Most of this began several years ago. (I know. It has taken me SOOO long to arrive at this place. Don't   judge!) Tommy and I had started reading information about hormones, antibiotics, etc. in food. So, we stopped buying regular dairy and switched to organic. We stopped buying regular meat/poultry and switched to grass fed, cage free, no rBGH, etc. We occasionally purchased organic produce; and I do mean occasionally. As we strove to get some synthetic properties out of our bodies, we also made the decision for me to stop taking the Pill. It seemed to thwart our efforts of health and more natural living when I was regularly putting synthetic hormones & chemicals into my body daily. We finally got convicted and brave one month, tossed it, and switched to Natural Family Planning (which is not the "I want to get pregnant" method. I know I heard you laughing at me.) We successfully used this for several years to not get pregnant and then used it to achieve pregnancy. (And as a side note- let me just say I'm not downing birth control, child spacing, etc. Those are such personal decisions. This was simply part of our journey. That's all.) About a year before I got pregnant, I started reading a little bit about chemicals in household cleaners, detergents, etc. If you know me well, you know I've had a long love affair with bleach, Orange Pledge, and all forms of antibacterial products-the heavier the fragrance, the better. I didn't like what I was reading because I like zero germs and I like scents. A lot. But it seemed to be staring me in the face. Shamefully, I just put it aside and told Tommy that all of that information was just "overkill" and we couldn't be perfect. I attempted to switch by buying one of the "greener" versions of a popular cleaner--it didn't work well, I didn't like the smell and this just reinforced my opinion. What we were doing was good enough. Fast forward a year or two-- we're pregnant and those healthier cleaners seem to be a bit more appealing, but still just more change than I was willing to succumb to. Finally, I decided that I would be willing to let go of two things-- my dish washing detergent, my laundry detergent (I'm pretty sure a tear rolled down my face when I said goodbye to Gain), and my dryer sheets. I figured that the residue of the chemicals was left of our dishes and that was ingested. So switching that made most sense, and I started making my own. And I figured that we wear some form of clothing for about 99% of the day. By switching, I could limit the amount of chemicals/fragrances that we were breathing in and likely seeping into our skin. And to my surprise, even though I missed the sweet fragrances, more natural products worked very well. The more I used them, the more I acknowledged what those fragrances really were and it made me miss the smells less. A lot less. 

A few weeks before giving birth to Abi Kate, I started reading about chemicals and toxins in body products and their immediate and long lasting effects on body systems. I'd stumbled across a toxin-free company while looking for some postpartum items. They had rave reviews everywhere I looked. So, I bought a few of their products. (And inside I was going, seriously, I "should" switch this, too?! No, thanks. That is definitely going overboard.) 2 days after having Abi Kate, I dumped what the hospital gave me and started using their products instead-- and I was officially sold. I started putting our shampoos, soaps, makeup, etc. on the Environmental Working Group's  Skin Deep database (Go type in your favorite body product. You might be surprised....) and was SO displeased with what I found.  I started learning about phthalates, parabens, SLES, and a slew of other chemical concoctions tied up in the word "fragrance".  I immediately knew I needed to switch Abi Kate's soap and lotion. So I did. Then I switched Tommy's and mine. 

A few months ago in the summer, a friend hosted a Green Cleaning Workshop (her influence has been spilling over into my life for over a year now... Maybe it will stop one day?! haha!)  And at this point, I just decided that this was it. I was going to learn what I could and if it meant getting rid of my cleaners, then so be it. So, I went, was schooled by a local green cleaning goddess on what was unhealthy about my other cleaners, and I stopped loving my bleach in vast quantities on every available surface or linen. And I stopped needing my Orange Pledge and antibacterial laced soaps. I began using the cleaners she taught about and much to my chagrin.... I loved them. LOVED them. The essential oils offered up just enough smell to satisfy my need for scent, (and they also have natural antibacterial/fungal/viral characteristics depending on your oil of choice). They worked exceptionally well, much better than the popular green cleaners I'd tried so long ago (which come to find out aren't really different from a regular cleaner. Just a different label. I'm sure no one else was shocked by this but me.) And most importantly, I didn't worry about what my family (and especially my daughter with her tiny body and new immune system) was inhaling and what we were ingesting from touching surfaces that had been cleaned with such products. And if I wasn't 100% convinced after learning what I did and using the products, I was completely convinced after hanging at a dear friend's house helping her clean when her sweet 2 year old took a sip of the healthy/safe furniture polish (and I was standing right beside her when she did). What if that hadn't been edible materials? What if that had been a mainstream product? We would've been on the phone with Poison Control. And let's be honest, it is that easy and that quick for a small child to find something that interests them--even the best behaved children (she is one of those children-- and I'm a good judge of little kid behavior). 

We're still working on eating cleaner. We've started buying almost all our produce organically if possible, stopped consuming meat in such vast quantities, and started ditching the stuff that comes in a box or a can       (Did you know Campbell's lines their cans with Bisphenol A?! I didn't. That's definitely not "Mm! Mm! Good!" Just because the FDA says it's ok in small quantities, doesn't make it safe. I don't think that's a hard leap for anyone to make.) Much like I said in a previous post, we're not purists and we never will be. If you were to open my shower right now, you'd see my healthy soaps, but you'd also see my regular Herbal Essences shampoo and why? Because I haven't found a natural shampoo that works on my hair. And my husband purchased a whole set of them before we began this transformation because they were on super slasher sale. ;) And yes, there is tons of organic produce in my fridge--right beside the cans of Mountain Dew that I like. We're not striving for zero exposure to chemicals, toxins, and pesticides, but less exposure. 

Something I get asked a lot whenever the topic comes up is "Isn't that so expensive?!" Some things, yes. Some things, no. Making your own cleaners is ridiculously cheap and the essential oils go such a long way because it only takes a few drops. Share them with a friend and they become even cheaper! Buying organic and healthier body products can be more costly. But this is how we look at it-- we can pay now or we can pay later. I'd much rather offer up a few extra dollars now towards our health than to pay for it physically when I'm older. And yes, I am that convinced of the effects of chemicals. (The company I referenced earlier is Earth Mama Angel Baby. I've used most of their products and haven't found one that I don't love. They run half off sales almost every single Friday on Facebook. Just like their page and you can see it, too :). )  I think most people think it's overprotective or overkill like I did for so many years. And that's ok. I do not think less of anyone else even in the slightest who doesn't subscribe to these ideas. These are personal convictions. But Tommy & I just can't "un-know" what we've learned. We know that we can't do everything to shield our children from chemicals and from disease. We live in a fallen world where those things are just realities. But learning about what we can do to help Abi Kate and ourselves live healthier lives has spurred us on to change. For us, this is a part of fulfilling 1Cor. 6:19-20 and "honoring God with our bodies". We're not even slightly halfway there, but we're diligently working on it. 

According to a 2005 study in Environmental Health Perspectives, 23 elementary aged students were urine tested and 100% of their urine revealed the presence of pesticides. After 4 days of being fed organic food, from that same group of children,  only 1 child's urine contained any detectable traces of pesticides. That's crazy. I could write a really long time about VOC's, BPA, nutrient deprived food, etc. but it would be more boring that what I've already written and who knows if you can trust where I got my information from ;) Truthfully, there's people who've been doing this a lot longer than me, who are way more dedicated than me. There's people who know a lot more than me that could tell you much more than I ever could! I still have gobs and gobs to learn. But really, it just won't mean anything to you unless you do your own research. You might decide, like we did, that it's worth it to change a few things. Maybe you'll think it is, or maybe you'll think it's not.

Truth is, no one can do everything to protect their children from unhealthy things. But we can all do something :) I recently found out that Abi Kate's car seat was ranked one of the worst for VOCs. I had a mild cardiac arrest and then realized that I just had to let that go and move on. I can't freak out about every infinitesimal thing. There's no balance in that. 

If you made it to the end of this, you are a champion worthy of a reward! I'm a newbie,  so if you have any healthy tips, please send them my way. And better yet, if you've found a healthy shampoo that you are in love with, let me know! My hair will thank you :)